Lucky Balance
by melibelly
Summary: Nothing is going to plan. The Order is three days late to pick him up and Lucius Malfoy has somehow managed to get out of Azkaban. Remus always wants to talk, but Harry can't bring himself to even think of what happened in June. It was time to face facts: Harry's life belongs to the cause and his own feelings don't matter. Begins after Order of the Phoenix. Eventual Slash.
1. Settling In

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I am just borrowing the characters for some fun.

Warning: This story will contain Swearing, Scenes of Torture and Sexual innuendo. Eventual Slash.

Summary: Nothing is going to plan. The order is three days late to pick him up and Lucius Malfoy has somehow managed to get out of Azkaban. Remus always wants to talk, but Harry can't bring himself to even think of what happened in June. It was time to face facts: Harry's life belongs to the cause and his own feelings don't matter. Begins after Order of the Phoenix. Eventual Slash.

**Chapter One: Settling In**

In the town of Surry, on a street called Privet Drive the lights had gone dark.

At number 7 Mr. Woodhouse had brought in his dog, after his final outing of the night. Up at number 10 the Hamilton's had finally fallen asleep warm in each other's arms. At number 2, Ms. Fig's cats where heading for a drink of milk before calling it a night and curling up next to their master in bed. And at number 4, Harry Potter had fallen asleep in a rickety desk chair that pointed towards the window.

He jerked awake with the suddenness that is born of someone who dreams in nightmares. Unfortunately the sudden movement only caused his muscles, which had been moments before resting in such an unnatural position, to groan in pain. He sighed and reached a hand up to rub his neck, before jumping up to look closely out the window.

"Damn it!" he threw his hand forward as if to punch the wall, but stopped just short for fear that the noise would wake his relatives . "Where the fuck are they?"

He spun to meet the unimpressed gaze of his owl. Hedwig seemed to sigh with frustration at her owner's demeanor. After 3 days of a high strung 15 year old Harry Potter, she was well used to this kind of show.

Harry was beside himself. 3 days late! 3 days late when Voldemort was on the loose, and ploting his demise! Three days without letters or information or any indication that the last five years had not, in fact, been some kind of crazy dream. Three days of dread, and time spent waiting on anything. For all he knew they had come to get him, but had been ambushed on their way over and everyone was dead. In which case it was probably a stupid idea to leave the house, but he could not stand to stare any longer at the bare walls of the spare bedroom of his relative's house. It was certainly not his room, and he was certainly sick of seeing the look of disappointment on his relations face every time he showed up for breakfast in the morning.

His uncle had taken to waving sausages about as he ranted about the timeliness of _those Freaks. _Harry could hear it now.

_Boy! What is the meaning of this? Do they not even own a bloody calendar? Or do they keep to some freakish calendar? Probably mixed with some satanic ritual, I have no doubt! Bleeding freaks are probably off dancing naked at Stonehenge and forgot to take you with them! _

His aunt always pursed her lips in such a way that Harry knew she was thinking something vile. Then, she ticked her spoon steadily against her bowl, until Harry had to fight the urge not the flip over the table. And the most sickening was Dudley's muttered agreements with his father as he dribbled his cereal all over the table.

No. Enough was enough! If they did not get him tonight, he was leaving himself. At this point he would rather be _Avada Kedavra_'d then spend one more day doing chores and being bullied by the other occupants number 4 Privet Drive.

It was 1 am, and if he did not see someone from the Order of the Phoenix within the next two hours he was getting the hell out of this place until next summer. They could all just fucking deal with it! And maybe the next time they set some plans, they'd damn well keep them.

He turned and almost knocked over Hedwig's cage when he heard some noise coming from the street. She chirped her disapproval as he rushed back to the window. But it was only two teens that were stumbling home drunk after an evening at the pub. They were leaning on each other heavily and walking down the middle of the street in a zig zag pattern. Harry could even hear some faint singing. He leaned his head against the glass and wished that he could have a nice glass of Firewhisky to calm his nerves.

"Hello Harry."

Harry spun and pulled his wand at the same moment. The chair tipped over in his haste and he winced at the noise. Standing in front of him was a shabby looking Remus Lupin holding his hands up in peace.

Harry's eyes narrowed. "What do I hear when a Dementor comes close to me?"

Remus looked sad for a moment and then squared his shoulders. "You hear Voldemort killing your parents. You could have picked a more pleasant item to question me on."

Harry's wand dropped to his side.

"I guess I am not feeling in a particularly pleasant mood." He whispered. "Don't talk so loud you'll wake my uncle."

Remus gestured at his wand and smiled. "Silencing charms."

"Oh in that case...WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE LAST THREE DAYS!?"

"We ran into some difficulties" said Remus, completely non-pulsed by Harry's attitude.

"DIFFICULTIES is being late ONE DAY! I would call this a fucking CRISIS!" Said Harry

"Harry, I am sorry. The day watch detected some potential problems and we could not risk it until tonight." Remus explained. "Since when did you get such a mouth on you?"

"Since I had to wait _3 F-ing_ days for news that the whole Order had not been blown to smithereens! I have been out of my mind with worry! And not one shred of news! You would think that _someone_ on the _day watch_ could poke me and tell me that Voldemort had not won while I was stuck in this muggle hell!" Harry turned abruptly, to hide the wet feeling that was coming to his eyes. He had never been so relived.

"I'm sorry Harry." Remus righted the knocked over chair that was in his way and walked up behind Harry, so he could rest his hand on his shoulder. "I know you must have been terribly worried. But we don't have time to talk about it now. Fred and George are waiting for us. I promise to explain everything when we get to our safe location,"

Harry nodded and blinked several times. "Alright, I guess I can't say that I am not eager to get out of here. What's the plan?"

Remus dangled a pastry in front of his face and Harry turned to face him properly.

"You just need to eat this pastry and I will be on my way. One of Fred and Georges creations actually. It transforms you into a canary. Canary creams I believe they call it?" Said Remus "This is actually an improved formulation that will have you keep that form long enough for us to get to safety."

Harry's mouth dropped open. "You're joking!"

Remus gave a genuine smile for the first time that night and looked entirely too pleased with himself. "Nope."

"What are you going to do with a canary? Stuff it in your pocket? That sounds a bit uncomfortable." Said Harry

Remus's smile grew to alarming proportions. "That's the general idea. Of course, it also knocks you out so don't worry about any discomfort. When you wake up you will be safe and sound in bed. I thought it was rather brilliant. "

Harry laughed somewhat hysterically. "Of all the ways wizards can travel and you lot choose _this_?"

"Unfortunately most of those ways are also tracked by the ministry." Remus said matter-of-factly. "We are not too keen on them at the moment."

Harry thought back to that night at the ministry...he shook his head. Not now! "Apparition?"

"Not possible within the bloodwards."

"Seriously?" Harry whined, starting to give in. "Could we not just fly?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Oh yes and make you perfect target practice for Voldemort. If you travel this way, we also have the advantage of him not know that you are with me. Normally one does not conceal a person, under their robes. Anyone watching will just see me and I will be apparating once out of the wards, for a quick getaway. Hopefully Voldemort will continue to assume that you are residing under the protection of the blood wards. "

Harry was still not exactly pleased by the proceedings, but seeing as he could not offer an alternative, he succumbed to his fate. "Fine. Hand it over."

Remus handed over the pastry almost vibrating from mirth, and Harry was reminded that he had once been one of the most famous pranksters of Hogwarts. "Tell me if it tastes as good as it looks."

It did in fact look pretty good. It had a nice puff pastry on the outside, that seemed to be brushed with some kind of glaze and someone had sprinkled hard sugar on the top. As he picked it up he felt, what promised to be a delicious custard cream filling. Harry took his first bite not knowing what to expect, but he was pleasantly surprised. It was not half bad for a poisoned pastry.

"S'not bad at all." He mumbled.

Remus was making himself busy shrinking Harry's trunk. He also released Hedwig into the night and shrunk her cage to fit into his pocket.

Harry started to feel a bit light headed a few bites to the end. His head felt so heavy, and he had to talk himself into eating the last bit. Suddenly the need to sit was overwhelming. Luckily the room was small and he was able to turn and plop onto the bed. His last thought was that he hoped he had a softer mattress wherever he was headed...

Harry woke up alone in a dark bedroom. It was a bit disorienting to feel like he had missed a step in his journey, but it did not take him long to recognize the dreary decor of number 12 Grimmauld Place.

Someone had obviously tried to spruce up the room a bit for him. A vase sat on his bedside table with fresh flowers and clean crisp sheets lined the bed. His trunk was placed on a small stand at the end of his bed and Hedwig's cage sat on a desk in the corner of the room. These little touches, while pleasant, did little to calm the churning of his stomach.

This house just held too many memories. Sirius singing Christmas carols, Sirius fooling around at dinner, Sirius pranking the twins relentlessly...

Even the happy memories where tinged in regret now. Sirius had hated this house, and ultimately, it has been his need to get away that had lead to his death.

Anger surged inside Harry and he did not know how to calm it down. How could they bring him back here? He had assumed that he was headed to the Burrow or some other location. Dumbledore certainly must have other safe places hidden away somewhere. There had to be somewhere else he could go besides here. It could not have escaped anyone that this place would hold painful memories.

But Dumbledore had never been one to minimize Harry's pain. In fact he would probably babble on about how it would be good for him to confront these feelings. After all hadn't he said something like that after the Triwizard Tournament? Now that Voldemort was back, the resounding message seemed to be that Harry Potter simply had to get used to feeling like shit. Sometimes he wished that the killing curse on his head had worked. I definitely would have been less painful.

He sighed to himself. That wasn't true. If he had been killed on October 31st 1980, then that would only mean that Voldemort had, if the prophesy was to be believed, won. Which would definitely mean that all his friends would be dead by now. If only Trelawny had given that stupid prophesy while she was in the shower, or someplace equally solitary. If only Voldemort had never heard that a prophesy even existed, because now he had forced the prophesy to come true. There was something terribly tragic in how different things could have been had he prophesy been kept totally secret.

Feeling restless Harry threw open the door of the bedroom. The house was silent and Harry poked his head into each door along the hall way. Each bedroom proved empty, but that did not mean much. Grimmauld place was a huge mansion that used to accommodate one of the oldest pureblood families in Great Britain. The Black family had certainly wanted to show off their wealth in the house. Despite living here last summer Harry had not been able to see all of the house itself, but he did know that it had a library, 2 dining rooms, a potions lab and a separate den area for the man and lady of the house. Petunia and Vernon Dursley only dreamed about this kind of money.

He walked down the main staircase quietly so as not to wake Mrs. Black. Unfortunately the house elf heads still stared down at him as he made is way down to the main entrance. The first dining room proved empty, but Harry found Remus Lupin seated quietly reading a book in the ornate living room.

"Ah! Harry you're awake. I hope that the journey over was not too disorienting." Said Remus, closing his book and placing it on the table next to his chair "You're not supposed to have remembered anything, but this was the first time this...umm...method of transportation was really put to test."

Harry inched into the room, feeling like he was walking into an antiques shop. "No I don't remember anything. It felt like I just had a really deep sleep. How long was I out for?"

" Well it is now..." Remus waved his wand to display the time in smoky numbers that hung in the air. " 6: 48 am. You regained your form after an hour. Luckily we had already arrived and I had taken you out of my pocket, or else you would have made a nasty hole in my favorite robes."

Harry gave a courtesy smile at the attempted humor. He just did not particularly feel like laughing. "I'm quite glad that I kept my clothes. You never quite know what Fred and George will throw at you."

Remus laughed. "They really do take after the Marauders more then they know! One time James and Sirius..." Something on Harry's face must have made him stop. "Harry I'm sorry."

"No its fine." He said his lips tight. "I just don't know how you can talk so casually after...after...what happened."

Suddenly the carpet became intensely interesting. It was decorated in green and grey with an ornate pattern running throughout. Harry bitterly thought that it was the type of thing that his aunt Petunia would like, which made him hate it. Remus also seemed to have become entranced with the delicate patterns weaved in and out.

When Remus finally spoke his voice started softly and then gained in volume "I was very upset about this Junes events Harry. But I like to remember the good times. I need to remember the good times."

Harry scoffed. "What good does it do to remember a different time when all that lies ahead is more of ...June?"

"Harry, don't say that." Remus reproached "We all need to remember what we are fighting for. I may never have my friends back, but one day I know that you and your children will be able to live with the same carefree attitude that a teenage James and Sirius had. I know those days will come."

Harry scoffed. "Fine."

Inside his mind was screaming 'Were they ever really good times? Because from what I can tell, there was just a traitor lying in wait. Someone who pretended to be your friend for years just waiting for his chance to finally be the big kid on campus. Oh and when he wasn't around, it seems like James and Sirius were always around to make other people's lives miserable, weren't they? Just great big bullies. Sure maybe their lives were care free, but they sure made sure that other peoples weren't.'

Outwardly he only glared at the carpet.

"I really feel like we should talk about some of this..." Said Remus in such a soft voice that Harry chanced a look up from the rug.

His former professor was looking at him like he might break into pieces any second. Dumbledore had probably mentioned something about his fragile state after his office had been all but destroyed. Suddenly Harry felt tired; Tired and much much older than 15 years old. "No its fine."

"Harry-"

"It's fine." Repeated Harry in a tone of finality.

Remus sighed. "We really are getting off the point of things. All I simply meant to say was that I am fighting for that time back before wondering if someone was an ally to Voldemort even existed. I suppose that you have never really had that, so you will have to find you own reason to fight."

Harry let out a dark laugh. "From what I can tell, I am stuck fighting reason or no."

"Harry you mustn't think that way..."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Really Harry we should-"

Harry looked up from the carpet. "I really don't want to talk."

Once again Remus must have seen something in his eyes because he finally sighed and nodded. "Then I think a change of subject is in order."

Harry gave a hollow smile. "Yes please!"

"You should know that Kreacher has been moved to a different location and you will not encounter him here, we thought it best. Also, Dumbledore has asked that you not inform Ron and Hermione where you are staying for the remainder of the summer."

"Sure." said Harry, not wanting to even pause to think about the fucking house elf, "It's not like they won't figure it out. This is kinda headquarters."

"Well..." Said Remus "I must admit I am not sure how much I can divulge seeing as you are not yet of age...but... this is no longer headquarters. We have a new headquarters building. Some of Voldemort's followers came a little too close to discovering our location, so we have staged that we have 'fled' and only a select few people know that we are still using this location. Molly and Arthur do not know that this house is still in use, let alone their children."

"That's the most..." Harry stated, trying to think of words as he spoke. "Why are you putting me in a place that Death Eaters are close to finding? How does that make any sense?"

Remuse smiled as if he knew something Harry didn't, which Harry thought he most definitely did " Don't worry we would not place you somewhere we thought was unsafe."

That he did believe, so he nodded his ascent. "Fine. But it is a bummer. I was looking forward to having my friends to pass the time."

"Well I suppose you will have to busy yourself with me, and the few other Order members who will be stopping by. You could always clean and do homework? Make Hermione proud."

The glint was back in Remus's eye, and Harry couldn't help but give a small genuine smile. "Yeah right! It's only a few weeks into summer! I have plenty of time to do my homework. What could you possibly do to entertain me?"

Remus's eye brows went up. "I can be quite fun you know. How about we start with a challenge? I bet I can beat you in Exploding Snap 2 times in a row. If I can't I'll make breakfast. If I do, I get to taste your lovely cuisine."

Harry narrowed his eyes. "You're on."

"Well I have to say Remus, you do make a mean breakfast." Said Harry helping himself to more toast.

Remus smiled. "I am not the best of cooks, but as a single man I managed to figure out a few recipes. Every single man should be able to prepare a decent breakfast; it proves advantageous in the case of unexpected morning guests."

Harry chocked at the sexual innuendo and Remus winked at him.

"I can also make a pretty decent curry." He continued. "But anything more complex then that you will have to make yourself."

Harry took this as his cue to get a little payback. "Well I think I'm a pretty good cook. I have been able to cook a decent breakfast for quite a while now."

Remus eyed him skeptically before continuing without missing a beat "I suppose that it is time I teach you the contraceptus charm. One Harry Potter is more than enough. But I must say I am surprised that prissy Cho Chang let you "scramble her eggs". "

Harry's went absolutely red and he regretted joking around so freely. Professor Lupin had been known to have an exceptionally wicked tongue during his third year and it appeared that had certainly not changed.

Remus smiled at his reaction. "Don't play with fire if you don't want to get burned."

Harry looked back at his eggs and started eating again as he tried to dull his blush. The kitchen at Grimmauld place, which had always been so busy every other time that Harry had been there, was quiet. He had never actually eaten in either of the dining rooms, much preferring the small cosy felling of the table and chairs crammed into the kitchen. It had not really been meant to be an area to eat, and one side of the table was almost directly in front of the fire place. Remus had not bothered to clean as he cooked, and the counters were littered with plates, pots and crumbs. The sink had a charm on it to clean the dishes, but it seemed like it had been cleaning the same pan for the past 15 minutes.

"Well." Said Harry, clearing his throat. "I will definitely keep that in mind. But ...umm... me and Cho broke up after she defended Marietta."

"Young love: nothing is ever as complex or as simple as that." Remus said. "However, don't think I won't be teaching you that contraceptus charm. I once was a young man who attended Hogwarts as well, and I know very well what kind of things happen in long forgotten classrooms."

Sensing that this was one embarrassment that he was not able to get out of Harry did the next best thing: procrastinate. "You know I am feeling rather tired. I did not get a lot of sleep last night between waiting for you and everything. I was hoping to have a bit of a lie in later."

"Definitely a sound idea. I myself was planning on having a nice nap."

Harry sighed in relief, hoping that Remus had only been trying to wind him up. It would be nice to have a nice lazy day not worrying too much about the Order having been completely obliterated without anyone left to let him know. Speaking of which...

"I have been rather out of the loop, think you could fill me in?" Forestalling all of Remus's objections Harry held up his hand. "I know I am too young, and not truly a part of the Order (_because you all won't let me be_ he thought) and blah blah blah. But it does rather concern me."

Remus nodded. "I cannot, as you know, tell you everything but I did have a talk with Dumbledore about being more forth coming with you about developing events."

Harry would have loved to have been a fly on that wall. By the set of Remus's jaw it looked like he had had less of a discussion and more of a telling. He felt calmed knowing that Remus at least was looking out for him and not just following what the headmaster said any more.

"I know you have not been able to get The Prophet, but its reports have reflected that the ministry of magic has definitely acknowledged that you-know-who is back. Fudge is in the middle of a rather vicious battle to keep his title as minister, and will probably be pushed out any day now. The order is doing everything it can to make sure that one of our people, or at least someone in our camp becomes the next minister. Predictably, you-know-who is doing the same. Whoever controls the ministry at this point would definitely have the upper hand."

Harry nodded, that all made sense. If Voldemort could legally take the ministry it would almost make things too easy for him. He could pass all sorts of difficult laws and would have a whole army of aurors at his disposal to implement them. Fudge had been a raving idiot and was clearly serving neither parties needs anymore.

Remus continued as Harry's brain started to hurt imagining the complex political dance for the new minister. "I have kept a few copies of The Prophet for you to look though if you would like. There have been a few attacks on small muggle villages and some random acts of terror against some known pureblood families that oppose you-know-who. As things go pretty minor stuff. All signs point to you-know-who trying to amass his followers and solidify his hold. True Death Eaters have been working for him for the past year, but this presents him a chance to get some new recruits. Many of his old Death Eaters were weakened by their stay in Azkaban, so he needs to replenish his army. Fortunately, 13 years of anti-Death Eater rhetoric has weakened the pool he can draw from."

"So it is harder for him to get followers then last time?" said Harry, feeling confused. It had seemed like there had always been a group of Death Eaters in waiting at Hogwarts.

Remus smiled. "Most definitely. When you-know-who first rose to power he was a rather public figure. He gave speeches, petitioned for law changes and basically worked within the legal structure for several years. While a radical in his views, he was also charismatic and presented some good arguments."

"What!? How can you possibly-"

"Relax Harry." Said Remus "You know I don't support his views, but the fact remains that there was a reason people followed him. Thankfully, the past 13 years have done so much damage to his reputation that almost a whole new younger generation has grown up with him being seen as the enemy, at least in the eyes of the press. No one has written a positive article in the Daily Prophet about Voldemort in a long long time. Even children of Death Eaters, who grew up espousing the pureblood beliefs, knew that it would be very much against the political tide to outright state their views. It means that all recruiting for Death Eaters has to be done behind closed doors and whispered conversation. That is much more time consuming then say...holding conventions at the three broomsticks."

"Voldemort used to hold conventions at The Three Broomsticks?" Said Harry faintly, feeling like the whole world had turned upside down.

"Most definitely." Remus paused. "But we are getting quite off topic. Right now the most important thing for you to know is that you-know-who is trying to gain followers, but it is taking him a lot longer than it used to. This has left him pretty much relying on his loyal Death Eaters to poke around at the Ministry while he poses attacks to try and spread a feeling of terror throughout the community."

Harry picked up the three Daily Prophets that were lying on the table, starting with the one that had today's date on it. He pursued the titles of the articles:_ 'Terror in Kent- 10 muggles killed' , 'Is Gringrotts safe? Did you-know-who give the goblins an offer they can't refuse?', 'Wizardmont meeting- what will they be discussing?', 'Lucius Malfoy allows Aurors to search Malfoy Manor'. _

Harry smiled feeling a little giddy. "Malfoy Manors being searched? I'm sure Malfoy is positively fuming. Finally getting what he deserves."

"Yes, the Prophet had done nothing but publish Lucius Malfoy's firm arguments against the invasion of his privacy. Two days ago, there was something about one of his lawyers sighting the statute of Wizarding Space act from 1312." Remus said blandly as he pursued his eggs.

"Wow. He can give comments from Azkaban? How is that possible? Shouldn't he be batty by now?" Said Harry

"If he were in Azkaban, he may well have been."

Wait. Hold on. Harry's stomach sank. "What do you mean _were_? How can he not be in Azkaban? He was at the Ministry of Magic that night- in June!"

Remus sighed, as if he had known this would come up. "Lucius Malfoy has many friends in very high places, more blackmail material in his little pinky then Rita seekers quick notes quill and several Gingrots vaults packed to the brim...the world is not a fair place."

"That's-That's..." At a loss for words Harry finally just threw out the first things that had come to mind. "So ridiculously fucked up! I can't believe this!"

To his surprised Remus simply agreed and offered no more words of encouragement. Harry glared back at the news paper as if it had personally offended him. All those day dreams of rubbing it in Malfoys face shattered by a big pocketbook. When he got back to school he was sure that Malfoy would be entirely insufferable, more than usual. What kind of corrupt system was this? Giving up all faith in humanity, he looked at the next most interesting article. "Should I be withdrawing all my money from Gringrotts?"

Remus glanced at the article. "You've nothing to worry about. The Goblins could not care less about what is going on in the wizarding world and will remain firmly neutral. Nobody would be stupid enough to try and take control of Gringrott's from them." He pointed at the author's name. "Jacob Mckinley is a Death Eater. This article is meant to give you-know-who's supporters a 'legitimate' reason to remove large sums of money from their accounts. This money will then be 'donated to the cause' so to speak."

Harry nodded. If there was one thing he had learned from the Dursley's and the Malfoy's it was the money meant power. Suddenly he felt nervous and his hunger evaporated. He pushed his breakfast away. "I think I am going to go settle in, suddenly not so hungry."

Remus looked mildly concerned. "Alright. Go unpack. You will be here all summer." Harry stood and walked his plate over to the sink.

"And Harry?"

He turned back just before leaving.

"Come and find me if there is anything you would like to talk about."

Out loud he muttered the appropriate "Thanks Remus," but couldn't help scoffing at the suggestion internally. He knew they all expected him to be crying on peoples shoulders or yelling (like he had last year), but now was the time to suck it up and deal with it. After hearing the prophesy and the loss of his Godfather Harry had finally come to the hard to truth that there was no room for his own feelings in his hectic life.


	2. Safe

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter. I am just borrowing the characters for some fun.

**Warning:**This story will contain swearing, scenes of torture and sexual innuendo. Eventual Slash. **This chapter contains a graphic torture scene that may be disturbing, If you are bothered please scroll past the _italicized_ text. **

**Summary:** Nothing is going to plan. The order is three days late to pick him up and Lucius Malfoy has somehow managed to get out of Azkaban. Remus always wants to talk, but Harry can't bring himself to even think of what happened in June. It was time to face facts: Harry's life belongs to the cause and his own feelings don't matter. Begins after Order of the Phoenix. Eventual Slash.

**Chapter Two: Safe**

After only 3 short days at Grimmauld place Harry was finding himself doing homework. Grimmauld place was very limited in the entertainment it could provide for a 15 year old boy. The first couple of days Harry had enjoyed spending time with Remus. They had played numerous games of Exploding Snap, bickered about who would cook the meals and begun to explore parts of the house that Remus was relatively certain where not dangerous. Unfortunately, Remus did have work to do for the Order and he had left early that morning on a mission he refused to tell Harry about.

It was incredibly frustrating to be locked away in a house doing homework while everyone around him was off fighting for the war effort. Hopefully he would at least get Exceeding Expectations on his transfiguration paper out of this whole mess. Hermione would have been proud of his new brooding method, and Ron would have been totally horrified.

He was seated in the small library on the second floor, pursuing his texts books for any useful information on the effects of transfiguring water creatures into an item that can be placed on land. It was a dreadfully boring topic, and to make matters worse there only seemed to be a tiny paragraph about it in their text book. He became more and more frustrated the more he thought about when he would actually ever need to transfigure a fish into a hair comb. The whole assignment was a total waste of time.

Feeling that he needed a break, Harry decided to head down to the kitchen for something to eat. The day had passed by without him noticing and dinner time had come and gone. Without Remus to keep him regimented, Harry seemed to drift through his days.

The house felt still as he walked through it. Had he been at the Dursley's Harry would have definitely used this opportunity to sneak onto the computer or watch the telly, but the wizarding world had no such distractions. He looked curiously at the door to the ladies dining room that he had been forbidden to enter. Remus had blocked off certain parts of the house due to containing dark artefacts. Several bedrooms, a bathroom, a small study off the master bedroom and this dining room where all considered out of bounds. As his boredom mounted, peaking into these rooms became more and more desirable. What exactly made those areas of the house so bad? He couldn't help feeling like if he had dealt with the seventh floor of Hogwarts in his first year, the Chamber of Secrets, the Forbidden Forest and the Department of Mysteries, surely he could take on a charmed tea set?

But respect for Remus and a rumbling stomach won out and he moved on to head into the kitchen.

_Scrape_

Harry paused. Did that just come from the dining room?

_Thunk. _

Okay so maybe there was something truly enchanted in there...

He back up a bit and stood in front of the door. His hand reached into his pocket and he felt for his wand. If he was not mistaken it sounded like voices coming from in there...

He listened more carefully. Definitely voices. And the sound of china tinkling, like someone was having tea? Had Remus come back early and decided to tackle the dining room? But why would he be talking to himself? Or having tea in a 'dangerous' dining room?

Harry's heart started to beat more quickly and before thinking too much about it he knocked on the dining room door. "Remus? Remus, I didn't know you where back early? Need any help with the dining room?"

The absolute silence was back and something Remus had said earlier floated to the front of his mind. _Some of Voldemort's followers came a little too close to discovering our location. _The sweat on his palms was making it hard to grasp his wand. What if they had discovered headquarters?

Harry steadied himself and took a deep breath. Well now that they knew that he was here, there was nothing for it. He had taken on Death Eaters before, he could do it again.

He knocked more firmly this time. "Show yourself right now or I'll blow this door down! My wand is pointed at your exit and I am not afraid to spell you out cold, you sons of bitches!"

He heard a rustle from the inside of the room and the door knob began to move. His wand shook slightly as he pointed it at the door.

The door flew open to reveal a less than impressed Severus Snape. "Potter, What in Merlin's name do you think you are doing? I believe Lupin made it clear this room is off limits?"

Having nearly had a heart attack, Harry stood poised and unsure of what to say. "I...um...I thought that maybe, you were a Death Eater come to kill me, sir."

Snape looked at him absolutely deadpan. "And your best strategy was to announce yourself and goad a confrontation? How_ positively Gryffindor. _I am astounded by your stupidity. I would have thought that the death of your dear old mutt would have taught you something. Apparently I was wrong."

Harry saw red. "Don't insult Sirius! I have taken on the likes of Malfoy and any other foul Death Eater you can imagine and I am not afraid of them! I don't hide like a scared little snake!"

"Well perhaps a little fear would be better for your health Potter. Although I am simply a pretend foul Death Eater, I can think of at least 10 ways I could have killed you when coming out from this door. However, I do have a particular fondness when it comes to the topic."

Harry's eyes narrowed. "Who were you talking too?"

Snape's face remained unreadable. "I have not the slightest idea what you are talking about, Potter."

"I heard voices in there. You're hiding something!" Persisted Harry. "Who were you talking to?!"

Snape leaned close to him, so that his ugly nose was only a hair length away. "_You_ do not demand things from _me_."

Giving up all pretexts (and still feeling upset over the slur against his godfather) Harry shoved Snape out of the way and pushed into the dining room. He was not prepared for what he found.

Lucius Malfoy was sitting calm as ever at one of the dining room chair. One hand was holding an ancestral black family tea cup and the other was idly holding his cane. His robes where all black, and clearly made just for him. He started at Harry as if he was a mosquito that annoyed him. All in all, the picture made Harry freeze.

Malfoy gave him a quick up down, and Harry was suddenly very aware that he had decided to remain in his pajama bottoms all day. "You would do well to take your professors advice and be a bit more afraid Mr. Potter."

Malfoys hand stroked his cane.

Harry moved his hand with his wand up and opened his mouth to cast. But before he could utter a word, the wand flew out of his hand and into Snaps awaiting one.

"That was very foolish, Potter." Said Snape, as he gleefully tucked the wand into his robe pocket.

"You traitor!" Screamed Harry. He had always known that Snape was an absolute git, but a part of him had trusted Dumbledore's assessment of the man. Especially after the memory he had seen last year, he had felt that he better understood his potions teacher's bitterness. But all along the man had been playing them.

Harry moved forward to physically attack and Snape lazily flicked his wand. Harry's body went stiff and he fell over. He instantly recognized the petrificus curse.

He heard Lucius Malfoy move. "Severus, it appears that this meeting must end early. I will be in touch with you later." A telltale whooshing noise came from the fireplace, and Harry thought that maybe Malfoy had flooed out, Perhaps to get more Death Eaters. Was he going to follow with Snape? Harry's face reddened with shame, when he thought of how easily he had been bested by them.

There was another woosh as the floo network started and Harry heard Snape calling out for Dumbledore's office.

Suddenly Harry was looking up at his Headmasters face from the floor. "Severus, was the petrificus really necessary?"

Harry could picture the self-satisfied smirk on Snape's face. "I will not have Potter interrupting a very important meeting, demanding entrance and attempting to curse my ally. My patience has limits."

What patience? Thought Harry.

Dumbledore considered Harry. "Very well, But I think it is safe to undo the curse now, if you would Severus."

After a moment Harry felt that he was able to move his hands, and soon his legs. He jumped up quickly and pointed his finger at Snape. "Professor Dumbledore, He's a traitor! He was in here having a meeting with Malfoy! He brought a Death Eater to Headquarters! He-"

"Harry please calm yourself." Said Dumbledore. "I know that Severus was meeting with Lucius Malfoy. Mr. Malfoy is no more a Death Eater then Severus himself. That is to say, he is not one."

"What!?"

Harry felt lost. As if perhaps his Vernon Dursley had declared his undying love for the wizarding world. What Dumbledore said made absolutely no sense. "Sir, have you been confounded?"

Dumbledore chuckled and sat down heavily in one of the chairs. "Most certainly not. "

"But Lucius Malfoy-"

"Has become a spy for the Order of the Phoenix."

Suddenly also feeling very heavy, Harry sat in the chair closest to him. He turned it slightly so that he could keep his eye on Snape. For the moment, he was still unconvinced with the man's innocence and there was no way he was taking his eyes off him. "With all due respect sir, are you sure that this is not some trap laid out for you by Voldemort?"

"Harry I cannot blame you for being concerned about that. In fact, I would be lying if I said that I had not had my doubts in the beginning. However, I am now sure that Lucius is firmly on the side of the light in this war."

Harry shook his head in disbelief.

"Severus, perhaps you could get us more tea?"

Snape lifted his eyebrow pointedly. "Or you could spell more yourself."

Dumbledore did not seem at all perturbed by the potions masters' behavior. "I think it best if you ready some more for us in the kitchen."

Snape rolled his eyes and stormed toward the kitchen.

"Harry, I realize that this may come as a shock. However, as many things as can be said about the Malfoys, and there are many, nobody can say that they do not have their families best interests at heart. When I spoke to Mr. Malfoy in late June, I learned that his concern for his son is what motivated him to seek me out." Dumbledore arranged his robes for a moment while Harry processed that. "He told me in great detail about the tasks that Voldemort has asked that Draco do. It is far more than he is capable of, and Lucius knows it. Unfortunately if he does not complete this task he will be killed. Lucius Malfoy is a harsh man, but a caring father when it comes down to it."

Harry snorted and Dumbledore looked at him reproachfully. "I must ask you to trust me on this Harry."

Snape came back into the room carrying a tray with 2 tea cups on it. If the situation was not so serious, Harry would have found the image of the dour potions master playing domestic house wife hilarious.

He placed the tray on the table and turned to face Harry. "Potter, it is testament to the Malfoys change of perspective that you have not been killed in the past three days. When the-" He glanced at Dumbledore "when Black died this house was inherited by the nearest Black, and seeing as Bellatrix's madness was acknowledged by her own family long before now and Andromeda was disowned, this property immediately went to the ownership of Narcissa Malfoy. In fact, you should thank her for allowing you residence."

Harrys mouth was working, but his brain did not know where to go with that information" I should thank her-I've been living in Malfoys house!"

"Indeed. And as amusing as your teenaged angst is to me, I have better things to do. Allow me to speed this up significantly: Albus, I believe we should obliviate Potter." The potions master gave Dumbledore a weighty stare, as if he was challenging him in some way.

When Dumbledore actually seemed to be considering the idea Harry's heart started beating very quickly. Images of Lockhart flashed through his head. "Now hold on a minute! If you all need me to defeat Voldemort, you must recognize that my _sanity _is pretty important!"

Snape glanced at him and scowled. "What little Sanity you have is not of my concern. Both myself and Albus are very competent spell casters. If you remain with this knowledge you are a danger to the whole operation!" Snape turned to face the headmaster. "Please Albus it would endanger the lives of the whole Malfoy family. Unlike myself, he is not telling the Dark Lord that he is pretending to spy for the Order. This could jeopardize everything!"

For about half a minute both Snape and Harry started hopefully at the old man thinking in front of them. Finally he shook his head. "I do not think it is a good idea Severus."

Snape snarled. "Then you are signing their death certificate."

Dumbledore looked sad. "We disagree on that Severus."

Snape looked momentarily disgusted before, without a word, he slammed Harry's wand on the table, stomped to the fire place and flooed to Hogwarts. Harry sighed with relief.

"Harry you must promise me something," Dumbledore was looking at him searchingly. "You must promise me that this information will remain private. You cannot tell anyone. Only a select group of people know. Even Young Draco is not aware of his families' change of Alliance. Remus knows of course, but the Weasley's do not. People's lives are at stake, you must keep this secret."

A knot was forming in Harry's stomach. He was not sure that he wanted any secret that would help protect the Malfoys. But if it meant keeping his memory in tact...

"Yes sir. I will keep it a total secret."

Dumbledore smiled. "Excellent. Well I must return to Hogwarts, have a lovely evening Harry."

And just like that the house was quiet again. Harry noticed absentmindedly that he was still pretty hungry. But his head was definitely filled with way too much to think about.

When Remus came back much later that night, Harry was poised for questioning. Dumbledore had all but dismissed his concerns, and Snape was certainly no likely to have a nice lovely chat over the matter. Considering that the Weasley's did not even know about Lucius Malfoy's supposed change in alliance, Harry figured that Remus was his best bet for some straight answers.

He had positioned himself in the kitchen, so he could sit and look straight down the hall to the entrance, which is pretty much how he had sat since Dumbledore had left. His mind could not seem to turn off. Remus did not arrive back until 2am, but it was not like he could have slept even if he had not been waiting up.

The werewolf seemed to take a moment to notice Harry watching him. He was busy hanging up his coat, it was only when he turned to walk up the stairs that he saw his ward. Looking confused he walked towards Harry. "Harry, what are you still doing up?"

"I have some questions for you." Harry played with the tip of his fork wondering how to broach the subject that he had gone into the top secret dining room.

Remus looked exasperated and exhausted. "Harry if this is about where I go off too, you know I can't tell you that."

Harry shook his head back and forth slowly. "It's not about that, although it does not take a genius to figure out that you are talking to the werewolves." He took a deep breath. "It's about the fact that I am living in a house that is technically owned by _Narcissa Bloody Malfoy_!"

It seemed to take a moment for Remus to process that information. "Alright Harry, I am not sure how you found that out but I assure you, you are in no danger."

Harry waved him off. "Yeah yeah yeah. That's what Dumbledore said too. Blah, blah, blah." He put on a falsetto voice that was a ridiculous imitation of Dumbledore. "The Malfoys have switched sides because they love their son sooo much. Trust me Harry. Oh and by the way, they also freed all their house elves and discovered a potion that can bottle rainbows." Harry took a deep breath. "What I wanna know is_: Have you all gone Mental_?!"

Remus seemed to be having trouble picking his mouth up off the floor. Finally he dropped into a chair and thought for a moment. "Okay. I want to know what happened here today. Now."

Harry instantly recognized his no-nonsense teacher voice. During third year, that tone of voice had normally been followed by an unpleasant consequence. As he told Remus about hearing noises and storming past Snape to see Lucius Malfoy he could almost see the wheels turning in his mind. By the time he finished with what Dumbledore had said Remus had regained his normal composure.

"It seems to me that you spoke with Dumbledore and all the essentials have been covered. I am tired and would like to go to bed. Good night." Remus said and made as if to stand up.

Harry jumped up before he could. "I think there is a lot to talk about. How about for example how you are all MENTAL? OR how about _how could you risk my life by letting me live in a Malfoy owned house_?! OR how about the fact that you most definitely _lied _to me a few days ago when I _specifically asked_ you about Malfoy being _let out_ of Azkaban? OR-"

"Okay, Okay I get it." Remus sighed and gestured for Harry to sit down. "First I need to say very firmly that I trust Dumbledore's judgement completely. Whatever he thinks is best I will follow." Harry opened his mouth to point out again how mental that sounded, but Remus continued in his no-nonsense tone. "That being said I do understand your reluctance to accept Malfoys new loyalties. However having Malfoy on your side is a huge victory. He was a big support for Voldemort monetarily and, let's just say, he did not get his feared reputation without reason. He can also give us valuable information that even Severus cannot. It is a huge win for us Harry."

"Which is why it's so hard for me to believe!" Harry countered "I know that he was a big supporter of Voldemort, I get that. So that makes it a little hard to believe that he just woke up one morning and decided to become pals with Dumbledore."

Remus tapped on the table anxiously. "Did Dumbledore say anything to you about the reasons behind the Malfoys decision?"

"Some sentimental crap about him loving his son, I wasn't aware that Malfoys had hearts."

"It is not sentimental crap." Remus said. "Malfoy is a world class tosser, but there is nothing more important to a pureblood then their family. Above all else he is a father. Your father died for you, is it so hard to believe that other fathers would do literally anything to save their child?"

Harry shrugged. He did not really have a response to that. It was nice and all that his dad had died to save him, but Harry could not really remember what that love had felt like.

Remus shook his head. "Look. This house is owned by Narcissa Malfoy now. You are staying in it for the summer. The Malfoys are now on our side. These are all things that are not changing, so you just have to learn to deal with it. The reason I _misdirected _you the other day was because I was worried that you would not know how to deal with it, and your attitude is proving me right. I am completely knackered, so any further discussion has to wait until morning. Good night." Looking much older than his years, the Marauder walked slowly towards his room.

Harry watched him leave feeling like he had not really gotten what he had been looking for when he had decided to wait up for him. Ron probably would have been incredulous and ranted with him about Dumbledore's senility. They both would have complained until there was nothing left to possibly complain about. Hermione would have definitely found some smart way to package everything in a way that would make Malfoy becoming a good guy make sense. But in the end all Remus had really done was told him to deal with it, and upped and left for bed. The 6 weeks that were left of summer seemed longer than ever.

Over the next few days, Harry had still not found a way to deal with the fact that Malfoy could come in and out of the house at any time and he was in a foul mood from having hardly slept. He locked himself up in his room, and made sure to go for breakfast and lunch at weird times so he would not run into Remus. He had decided that he was rather annoyed with his self appointed guardian for the summer. Remus was supposed to be on _his_ side! Sirius never would have acted like this. Sirius had never told Harry to just 'deal with it'. His _real _godfather would have not trusted Malfoy or Snape one inch.

He wrote letters to Ron and Hermione complaining about how bad his summer was. He did not violate any of his promises, but he was secretly hoping that if he complained enough Ron could get his parents to let him stay with them.

All in all life was entirely too exciting and too boring. He pursued the Daily Prophet with more vigour then a pirate reading a map for treasure, but beyond that and homework there was really nothing to do. He found himself rearranging his bedroom so that all furniture pointed towards the door. The last thing he needed was Malfoy or Snape deciding to sneak into his room. His body was perpetually tensed for an attack and his mind was perpetually bored of having nothing new to think about. Sometimes he would day dream about how the attack would happen. Of course this time Snape would not be able to so easily petrificus him. Harry would jump, roll and curse his way to the Death Eaters and they would be no match for his skill. He imagined tying them up and marching them to a sad looking Dumbledore, who would then proclaim that Harry was right and he would listen to him more often. Of course, after having proven himself so useful, He would then be a full member of the Order and be let in on everything that was really going on.

On his less optimistic days, his daydreams revolved around Malfoy and Snape slaughtering him in his sleep. Dumbledore would then walk in all dressed in black and proclaim that they should have listened to Harry. He would come back as a ghost just to say 'I told you so' and be stuck in Grimmauld place for the rest of all eternity.

Remus seemed to think that over time Harry would outgrow his anger. About three or four times a day he knocked on the door and asked if Harry wanted to talk. This was usually met with silence. One time, after being startled by the knock, Harry had responded that he was busy 'dealing with how shit his life was'. It had been a full day before Remus had knocked again. Intellectually he knew that it was coming closer and closer to the full moon, but he could not bring himself to care.

After three days of holding out on sleep, his body seemed to finally be giving out on him. Unfortunately it seemed like he was going to have to sleep whether he wanted to or not. He forced himself to push his trunk and the desk chair against the door. It was not enough to hold off a magical attack, but hopefully the noise would wake him. The second his head hit the pillow he was in full REM sleep.

He was dreaming about Sirius again. In his dream the veil had not meant death. Instead he had been fine. He had come back just in time for Harry's birthday and brought with him the most amazing gift ever...

_An evil sounding laugh disrupted the calm of his dream. "Oh how cute. It appears the boy who lived misses his godfather. I shall have to give Bellatrix a particular honor for causing you so much pain." The voice sounded like a hiss and even in his sleep Harry panicked. _

_He tried to wake up but the voice laughed at him. "Not so fast Potter. I have something I want you to see." _

_Suddenly he was not longer in the cosy kitchen in Grimmauld place opening his presents with his Godfather. The view shifted to what seemed to be a lovely looking cottage house. The surrounding area was a lovely example of the British country side. The Sprawling grassy fields looked gorgeous in the setting sun of a warm summer's day. The house itself looked small, but homey. It was clearly an older house and the main living area of the house was made with sturdy looking rocks, rather than the more modern bricks. The front of the house was well cared for and flower boxes hung in front of the windows. Harry could see the light flickering from the inside of the house and laugher interrupted the quite of the sunset. _

_Against his will he was moving closer to the house. He could feel Voldemort vibrating with excitement inside his head. They knocked politely on the door and waited. A tall man with brown eyes and blond hair answered the door. Before he could greet them properly, a green light was hitting his chest and he fell to the ground. Inside a woman screamed and ran towards them, but Voldemort was already stepping over the man and pushing her away. _

_"__Stupid muggle cunt" reverberated in Harrys mind and he felt his mouth twist into a perverted smile. _

_Just for fun, a crucio and then when she begged him to stop, the green light made it stop forever. _

_It was then that the crying in the crib penetrated Harry's horror. Voldemort walked over to the infant, who could not have been more than a year. Harry saw a hand reach out and stroke the baby's head comfortingly. "Just like you, Potter. And just as easy to kill as your parents."_

_Unexpectedly, roughly, the baby was grabbed by the ankle and dangled upside down in front of his face. A spell was cast and the baby was left to dangle, screaming and wriggling. With a sick feeling Harry realized that the infant had a perfect view of his dead parents. Voldemort placed a large cauldron under his head. Harrys stomach lurched in fear that the child would be dropped into whatever potion was in the caldron. But what happened next was much much worse. _

_A knife came before his eyes and Voldemort rotated its sharp edge in front of his face. "So many wizards consider it a dark act to kill a unicorn. Do you know why Potter? Because it is innocent. But the blood of the innocent can extend the life of those who seek immortality." _

_Harry was screaming in his head. NO! NO! NO!_

_But the knife moved steadily toward the child's arm that dangled down, aligned perfectly with the caldron. And the hand was cut off and the blood dripped down into the caldron. Eventually the crying subsided. The baby stopped moving and only a dripping noise was left. _

_Harry couldn't feel. He couldn't move. He wanted to wake up so badly, but something held him there. He couldn't stop staring at the small child's hand that had been discarded on the floor. _

_And then he felt the caldron being brought to his lips and he felt Voldemort drinking deep. A satisfaction ran through his veins. "And that is why you will never beat me Potter."_

Harry was thrown violently back into his own body. He rolled over and retched on to the floor by his bed. He could feel himself shaking. Tears where running down his eyes and mixing with the bile in his mouth. His head felt like it was splitting open. His hands gripped the blankets frantically and his eyes rushed to confirm that he was back in Grimmauld place. His mind seemed to no longer be working. The only images he could process where the lives' being so brutally snuffed out of the small happy family that no longer was.

He didn't feel safe. He did not know if he would ever feel safe again. He pulled the blankets to him and tried to calm himself, but the task was impossible. He felt so open, vulnerable. His body heaving, and his stomach still feeling sick, Harry pulled himself and the blankets over to the small cupboard that was on the other side of the room. He huddled onto the floor and shut the door. His body rocked of its own accord and he found himself whispering into the darkness that he was safe.


	3. Off Balance

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter. I am just borrowing the characters for some fun.

**Warning:** This story will contain swearing, scenes of torture and sexual innuendo. Eventual Slash.

**Summary:** Nothing is going to plan. The order is three days late to pick him up and Lucius Malfoy has somehow managed to get out of Azkaban. Remus always wants to talk, but Harry can't bring himself to even think of what happened in June. It was time to face facts: Harry's life belongs to the cause and his own feelings don't matter. Begins after Order of the Phoenix. Eventual Slash.

**Chapter Three: Off Balance**

The night lasted forever. Every noise caused his heart to speed up. The darkness swallowed his thoughts and he shivered despite the warm July weather. It was only when the light of day shone through the crack of the cupboard door that Harry built up the courage to leave his safe spot.

It was 8am, and Harry knew that Remus would be in the process of fixing breakfast. The bedroom smelt like bile, and his mess from the other night was still on the floor. As if on auto-pilot, he moved to the bathroom to get cleaning supplies. Wizards didn't have much need for muggle cleaners, (and there was no way he was asking Remus for help) so he had to make due with a combination of toilet paper and water. As disgusting as it was, manual cleaning was something familiar and it calmed him. When Harry had been a child, he had been expected to clean up any mess in his cupboard. He could even remember one time that his aunt had demanded that he clean up Dudley's mess when he had had the flu.

He glanced at the clock again. It was only 8:15 and Remus would probably just be sitting down to breakfast. He had been avoiding his old teacher for a while now, but all that mattered to him now was that he didn't have to be alone.

When he arrived in the kitchen the scene that met him was in stark contrast to the night he had had. Music was coming from a radio device on the kitchen table and Remus was dancing as he made breakfast. He appeared to be preparing a full English, and the spatula was proving to be a good substitution for a guitar.

Upon turning to go to the sink, he spotted Harry and froze. They eyed each other carefully for a moment, and Remus relaxed when it appeared that Harry would not start yelling at him. His eyes crinkled into a smile. "I'm glad you came down for breakfast. Would you like an egg?"

After a pause, Harry nodded. He still didn't quite feel like he could return the smile.

Remus hummed about the room as he finished off the meal. Harry sat quietly and listened to the radio. After about 10 minutes a plate filled to the brim was placed in front of him. There was a knock on the window and Harry jumped. Remus bustled over to the waiting owl and came back to sit down at the kitchen table with The Prophet.

Suddenly the music felt less cheery and more oppressive. "Anything interesting in The Prophet this morning?"

Remus shrugged. "Same old, same old. Fudge has issued a statement trying to save face, I doubt that will work. Some 'random' acts of terror', a poor family in Northcumberland has been murdered. Looks like Death Eater work. But nothing terribly surprising."

Harry's mouth felt dry. "May I see?" The Prophet was pushed across the table. He looked closely at the article about the death of the family in Northcumberland. Nothing seemed to have been mentioned about a baby's blood being drained. In fact the article seemed more concerned with how they would cover up the murders from the muggles, then with the murders themselves. He supposed they were just muggles after all, thought Harry darkly. His breath caught when he saw a small picture of the house he had witnessed in his dream.

Remus seemed to pick up on his mood. "Everything alright, Harry?"

He wanted to scream. Maybe flip over the table, rip up the stupid news paper and break all the plates in the kitchen. He was not alright. Instead he simply said "Remus, do you know Occlumency?"

The werewolf shook his head. "Unfortunately not. No recorded werewolf has ever been able to master the art. It seems that having a feral beast in you keeps you from having the mind control necessary for Occlumency. Why do you ask?"

"I uh-" Harry struggled to come up with a reason. He could not go over what happened last night, he just couldn't. "Well. I was thinking that maybe I should learn it. After everything that happened in June. You know. I don't want that to happen again." No sooner had the words left his mouth did Harry realise the truth of them. He could not let that happen again.

"Well if you would like to learn Occlumency your best bet is Severus." Said Remus looking apologetic "I know it did not go well last year, but he really is an expert in the field. He is also here rather often, having meetings." Harry shivered thinking about _who _he was having meetings _with_. "I am sure if you asked him he would help you learn."

Somehow Harry doubted that. "Right."

Okay on to plan B. This house had a library in it; there must be something in that big room about Occlumency. Then he could teach himself.

Remus looked at him concerned. "Harry- about the other day."

He held up his hand. "It's okay Remus. What more is there to say? It's fine."

His eyes hooded, he nodded his assent. "If you ever-"

"Need to talk you are here to listen." Harry finished. "Be careful you're becoming repetitive in your old age." He picked at the chutney on his plate and the image of the blood spilling into the caldron flashed through his mind. "I'll see ya later Remus, I want to check on something."

He didn't pause to see Remus's concerned look, he just moved right up the stairs to get to the library. The sooner he found a book on Occlumency the better.

Later that day Harry realised that Hermione made research look a lot easier than it really was. As he pursued the shelves for another book that looked like it had potential, he became increasingly annoyed. A large pile was forming on the small table, but Harry was not concerned about being tidy. He wanted information and he wanted it now. So far he had only managed to find a couple of small, rather unhelpful paragraphs discussing how hard Occlumency was. There seemed to be no actual instructions on how to learn the mind arts in any of the texts in the house. The only things he had to go on was his limited knowledge of what Snape had said over and over last year.

_"__Clear your mind, Potter" _

It was ridiculous. How was he supposed to learn anything from one 3 word sentence? How the fuck did a person even clear their mind? Didn't that mean they were dead?

Reaching his limit, Harry chucked a book across the room and threw himself into a chair. He needed to learn Occlumency, but there was no way he was willing to go to Snape yet. Reflecting painfully for a moment, he considered the fact that he had not really tried last year. Maybe he should try and clear his mind- as ridiculous as it sounded.

After a moment, he closed his eyes. But that did not seem to do much. His mind was still working a mile a minute. In fact now that he was so fucking scared, he could not make himself stop thinking about how badly he needed to do this. Shaking himself slightly he took deep breaths in and out, more to prevent a panic attack then to clear his mind. He forced himself to start thinking about the Burrow or flying. It was probably not clearing his mind, but at least he was not working himself up.

Flying. Flying was nice. He was floating...

He woke with a scream on his lips. Against all intentions he had fallen asleep. He had dreamt about the family from last night. This time Voldemort had just been laughing and taunting. He threatened more families. He had told Harry that he wanted him to see more. The terrifying part was that he was not sure if it had been his dream or if Voldemort had in fact said those things.

His hands where back to shaking again.

By the light coming from the windows it seemed to be a rainy, muggy afternoon in London. He had missed lunch. Feeling the desire to run into Remus again or to do something, anything to get his mind off this mess, he headed down to the kitchen.

The next few days followed in a similar pattern. Every moment of sleep undesired and disturbed. He couldn't tell if his dreams where simply nightmares or disgusting images sent to him from his nemesis. Images of friends dying or babies hanging in a row dripping blood, perverted his every moment. His head was also pounding all the time. He seemed to be suffering from a permanent headache. Although Remus seemed to be out of sorts from his incoming monthly transformation, he had tried to confront Harry several times about his jumpiness. Harry realised that as worried as he was about Malfoy, his ability to remain calm seemed to have nothing to do with him. Fear was dominating his every moment. Fear for his friends, fear for himself. He felt like all his thoughts were no longer private, and he could not tell what had come from his mind or someone else's.

He had abandoned the thought of mindful research, and instead was looking through every book in the little library. There was only one wall of books after all. Two days after his dream his hand shook as he reached out to pick up the last remaining book he had not looked through.

When he saw the title his heart sunk. "Wards: a guide to personal and familial wards."

Nothing. This whole damn Library was a useless waste of time. To his horror, he felt tears well in his eyes. He slid to the ground and began to have a good cry. It had been a week since he had last had anything approaching a good night's sleep.

He felt pathetic, and stupid. How could he stop Voldemort from taking over the wizarding world if he couldn't even stop the man from taking his sanity?

Harry sighed deeply. There was nothing for it. It was time to go to Snape.

**HPHPHP**

It took Harry another day to work up the nerve to actually knock on the door of the off limits dining room. Part of him could still not believe that he was _asking_ for help from _Snape._ He blamed it on temporary insanity from no sleep...which was probably true.

He hadn't bothered to ask when the meetings happened, so he camped out by the door to the dining room for what seemed like hours waiting for any sign of life on the other side. It was too hard to move anyway. If he never saw Snape he just assumed that at some point his head would explode and the whole thing would be over, one way or another.

He was lucky that Remus was hauled up in his room; otherwise he would definitely have something to say about Harry's appearance. He had not bothered to shower in at least a couple of days, and he was also not bothering to dress in anyway resembling a human being. He had found a huge pair of sweat pants buried at the bottom of his trunk that he had worn for...well he couldn't remember how long. Judging by the heaviness of his eyes he must also have some wicked bags.

Harry pulled his knees into his chest and let his head fall forward. It was all too much. Too messed up, too sick, too disgusting, too sad...just _TOO_. He felt ill thinking that someone was controlling him, but that was clearly what was happening. Voldemort had planned for him to go to the Department of Mysteries, and like a good little puppet Harry had gone. And now he was probably planning for him to have a break down over the murders from the other night, and Harry was too tired to even try and resist.

With a lurch he remembered the feeling of his body moving against his will as he taunted Dumbledore at the ministry. The whole thing made him itch from the inside out. He wanted to reach inside himself and scrub with some good old fashioned bleach.

He let his head fall back and thump against the wall.

Was that...fresh bread? And tea? His stomach rumbled in appreciation. Maybe Remus would give him some...

_Wait a second..._

Harry jumped up. Remus was getting ready for the full moon and was definitely not making bread. He looked at the door in front of him. Suddenly it seemed about as imposing as the Triwizard Tournament. His hand shook, but he forced himself to knock. "I know your there. I just need to ask you something."

He banged on the door a little harder. "I know your there..."

He could feel himself getting frustrated and he tried to ignore his hands shaking. Suddenly he couldn't control it, and he was smacking the door as if it was Voldemort himself.

Abruptly it opened to reveal Snape. Harry had a moment of déjà-view looking at the man's expression. He looked _furious_.

"Potter, we are not interested in any rant, curse, accusation or murder attempt you wish to throw at us."

Harry blinked at him. A moment ago, he had been beating the shit out of the door that was now where Snape was standing. All the anger had drained out of him quickly and it left him a bit light headed. It took him a moment to force his mouth to move and he finally blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Will you teach me Occlumency?"

He doubted that Snape's eyebrow had ever gone so high.

"Potter," Harry could not help but notice that his name was spat in what sounded like uncontained annoyance. "If I remember correctly last year I attempted to do just that."

Harry nodded and looked down at the floor. It was another one of those God awful rugs. He was suddenly very aware of how mental he looked. Memories from the year before came rushing back. "Right. Right. Your right, this was a stupid idea."

He turned to leave but found himself grabbed by the arm and dragged into the dining room. Snape was muttering under his breath at him about leaving out the dramatics. Once his brain seemed to register that he was being manhandled Harry ripped his arm out of Snape's grip.

He was momentarily stunned by the scene that met him. The small dining room table was filled with delicious pastries, both sweet and savory. A delicate china tea set with pink rose flowers on it was being used by the occupants to drink their afternoon tea. Seated at the table where Mr. And Mrs. Malfoys, looking very much at home. _Well _thought Harry _I guess this__** is**__ technically her house..._

Snape did not give him much time to process things. "Why do you suddenly have such an interest in Occlumency, Potter?"

Harry eyed the Malfoys and felt all his confidence leave. "Maybe we should discuss this somewhere else..."

Once again Snape's patience was wearing out, not a rare occurrence in the case of one Harry Potter. "For Merlin's Sake Potter, Dumbledore told you he trusts them. Whatever you say to me can be said in front of them. _What is it_? In case it slipped your notice I have important matters to handle."

"I want to learn Occlumency." Harry declared stubbornly.

Snapes eyes narrowed. "First of all, why should I grant such a request considering your gross breach in privacy last year? Secondly, what brought on this sudden change of heart?"

Harry shrugged. He really did not want to give the full answer to those questions in this company. "I should have learnt last year, and I think I should now."

The potions master moved closer to him, until he was just on the verge of taking up Harry's personal space. "Why?"

Harry sighed. He started to feel some panic come in. It looked like Snape was definitely not going to agree to teach him Occumency. He might as well kiss his sanity good bye. "I just need to learn okay?"

Snape made to move again, but was interrupted by a voice from the table. "Severus for goodness sake, let the boy sit down before he falls down. He looks positively exhausted."

Distantly, Harry noticed that Snape's face looked just as confused as he felt. He had never expected Mrs. Malfoy to be speaking up in his defence. Despite himself, Harry felt a tad bit relieved that he had a good excuse to slump into one of the chairs and dig into one of the pastries. _Yum lemon custard!_

Looking stiff the potions master sat down next to Harry and glared across his seat at the Malfoy matriarch. She did not seem at all bothered by the death threats coming out of his eyes. To Harry's confusion, Mr. Malfoy looked almost amused by events. Harry shifted in his seat so that he could reach into his robe and grip his wand, just in case.

Mrs. Malfoy continued on as if nothing unusual was happening. "There now. This is much more civilized. We are in fact all on the same side now, so there is no need for such displays. Would you like some tea Mr. Potter?"

He eyed the tea pot, but in the end he could not convince himself to take tea from a Malfoy. Harry shook his head.

"Have the pleasantries for the evening been sufficiently upheld for you, Narcissa?" Barked Snape. "May we move on?"

Narcissa Malfoy looked back at the potions master unphased. In fact, Harry thought she almost looked to be enjoying disarming Snape so much. "Now now Severus, I was under the impression that things were much more jovial over in Dumbledore's camp. I suppose I was mistaken."

"We are at war, nobody has time for such trivialities." Sneered Snape. "Which leads to the question of why Potter would bother to ask me for anything."

They all turned to look at him and Harry held onto his wand to steady himself. He took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down_. Come on Harry it's not as if he can deny you when Dumbledore all but ordered him to teach you last year_.

"Well, after what happened in June;" He paused for a minute, and glared at The Malfoy Patriarch across from him. "It seems to make sense that I should learn Occumency."

Mr. Malfoy was looking at him as if he was a puzzle that needed to be solved, His eyes scrutinizing his appearance far too much for Harry's comfort. "That certainly seems like a reasonable request, Severus."

If he had not already felt like he was in an alternate universe, Lucius Malfoy agreeing with him made Harry feel positively off balance.

Snape looked more annoyed. "Lucius, you do not know Potter like I do. He does not have the ability to strategize in such a manner, nor does he ever bother asking for anything unless he gets something from it. Potter, what has caused this change of heart after my _warm welcome_ last week?"

Harry fiddled with a plate on the table and tried to come up with a plausible answer without telling them that Voldemort was already interfering with his thoughts. _Fucking Snape_.

As if reading Harrys mind, Snape grabbed his hand and leaned toward him. "The Dark Lord has sent you another message, hasn't he?"

Harry tried to back up his chair, he wanted as much space between himself and Snape as possible. "Not exactly."

"Not exactly." Repeated Snape in a deadly whisper. "Your response is as lacking as most of your potions essays. Kindly explain what the hell 'not exactly' means."

Harry gulped. "Well, I have been having some weird dreams that's all."

At his announcement the air in the whole room seemed to shift. All the little noises that Harry had barely registered before stopped. The spoons stirring tea where laid down, the subtle shift as someone moved in a chair was stilled. Harry felt three sets of eyes drill into him.

"Explain!" Snape yelled and Harry tried to swallow past the dryness in his throat. Maybe he should have taken a tea. He had no idea how to explain. _So I was dreaming and then Voldemort just like killed these parents and drained the blood of their baby, that he then drank it as a refreshment. _

"I-I I was dreaming and-" Stuttered Harry, before shaking his head. "I can't explain alright! And I don't want them to know, so that they can just report back to Voldemort that Harry Potter is losing it!"

Snape rolled his eyes. Harry imaged that he was again cursing his teenaged dramatics. But not everyone could be made of stone like he was. "It is a little late for that Potter. Look at me."

Harry simply turned his head further away and Snape snatched his chin and forcefully turned his head. He brought up his wand, but Snape batted it away like it was a child's toy. Before he could even think he felt a pressure in his mind and the dream from the night before was re-playing for Snape's viewing pleasure. This type of Legilimency was much more subtle then the year before. In fact, if Harry did not know that Snape could read minds, he would have thought that his headache was just getting worse.

He was forced into the present by the rough feeling of the pressure in his head leaving and the abrupt release of his chin. Something unreadable flashed in Snape's eyes.

"What?" He snapped. "Don't blame me if you didn't like what you saw, I didn't invite you in."

Snape studied him for a moment more. "And I suppose, Potter, that you at no point informed anyone in the order of this vision?"

Harry turned back to the table. "No. I didn't think it was that important: what's done is done. They found the bodies anyway; I saw it in The Prophet."

"Oh yes, why would anybody in the Order be interested to know that the Dark Lord is sending you personal messages? Why would anybody need to know the kind of dark magic the Dark Lord his indulging in? It's not as if having the Dark Lord roaming around your head would endanger anybody or give him any valuable information." The potions masters' voice dripped with disdain.

Harry's stomach dropped. If you looked at it like that it had been a pretty stupid decision. But at the time he had just been so mad at Remus, and so upset. He had just wanted to forget the whole thing. He felt disgusting even talking about it. But, even he could concede that keeping it a secret had not been a good idea.

That didn't mean he was going to admit that to Snape (in front of the Malfoys of all people!).

"Well it's not like any of this is news to you." Said Harry defensively. "I thought that you and Voldemort where besties."

Snape banged his fist on the table and Snarled. "The Dark Lord had not in fact informed me that he was dallying in your dreams Potter. Do you have any idea what position you put me in? He has probably been waiting for me to report this to him for days now. If I say nothing my position becomes suspect. Not to mention what he could find, looking through your memories."

There was the scrape of a chair and Mr. Malfoy stood abruptly. "Should I go get Draco, Severus? Are we at risk?"

Snape looked pointedly at Harry, and he shrugged "How should I know that?"

His professor rolled his eyes. "Potter, have you been reliving memories in your dreams? Like we did just now? Or are you simply viewing things?"

Harry thought for a second. "I-I think I am only viewing things. I haven't relived anything in a dream."

Snape nodded. "Lucius you should be safe. I think he is simply taunting Potter. Even last year he was unsuccessful at looking through his memories, only sending him what he wanted Potter to see."

Narcissa Malfoy put down a tea cup that was shaking rather hard. "Thank Merlin."

There was a silence that seemed to descended on the room. Harry couldn't help but feel that he was seeing a rare moment of the Malfoy mask breaking. He had to hand it to them he had almost been convinced that they were actually on their side.

The potions master was the first to recover. "Potter, tomorrow at 8pm I will be teaching you Occlumency."

Harry nodded. He had gotten what he wanted, but the look on Snape's face was making him feel more scared then victorious.

**HPHPHP**

The next morning Harry felt like he had been run over by a lorry. He had spent the evening before brooding about his discussion with Snape. He had not intended for the Malfoys to hear any of it, but now they knew everything. Somehow it had all gotten away from him. It seemed like he had messed up yet again. He was quickly becoming an expert in ruining his own life and those of people around him.

He felt an overwhelming need to return to normalcy, and that was what drew him to the kitchen. He had only been half joking last week when he had told Remus that he could make a killer breakfast. For years he had cooked to his aunt Petunia's standards, so cooking a nice breakfast for Remus after a full moon was something he could practically do in his sleep.

He knew that Remus had a sweet tooth, so after some consideration Harry had decided to make French toast. He had found some lovely strawberries in the fridge that he turned into a quick jam, to pour over the toast. The bacon looked to be crimping up nicely, and Harry was anticipating a nice savory sweety flavor.

He laid everything out on a tray he found in one of the cabinets. After a difficult night (hell a difficult week), this was definitely the kind of breakfast that the werewolf deserved.

When he reached the door he paused for a moment. Maybe Remus didn't want visitors. He knew that in the past he had spent his full moons with the Marauders, but that was a long time ago. Furthermore, they had not been on the best of terms for the past few days. Taking a chance, and before he could think it to death, Harry reached out and knocked.

"Come in."

He balanced the tray carefully on one hand and pushed open the door. Harry had never been in Remus's room before. It was rather small, but homey feeling. There was a single bed with a small night stand, and a serviceable desk. The desk was piled high with papers and Harry suspected that it has not been tidied in a while. A photo sat on the bedside table, and a couple of posters' had been hung on the wall. Remus was seated upright on his bed, held up by a huge pile of pillows. The book on his lap, led Harry to believe that he had been reading.

"Good morning Harry. How are you?"

Harry smiled back. His old professor looked tired, but other than that not much worse for wear. "I think I should be asking how you are. I brought you breakfast."

Remus's eyes turned to the tray and sparkled. "That looks delicious. Is that French toast?"

"Made it myself." Said Harry placing it on his professor's lap, "I thought you might like a nice meal after last night."

"That is very generous of you." Remus said, as he nibbled on the bacon. "The looks where not deceiving, this is very good Harry."

Harry felt himself stand a little taller in the wake of the praise. "Thanks"

Remus was hungrily digging into the French toast now, and Harry pulled up a chair to sit next to his bed.

"You know that your mother used to cook up a killer brunch after a full moon." Harry could hear the happy nostalgia in his voice. "It became somewhat of a tradition. We would all stay up all night running around like...well like animals. Then afterwards we would all go home for a quick shower and change of clothes, before heading to James and lily's for a feast."

Harry nodded and looked more closely at the picture on the bedside table. "Are those my parents?"

"And you as well." Said Remus and Harry noticed the bundle of blankets in the middle of the picture. "That was taken when you were still at Saint Mungo's after the birth."

Looking at the werewolf for permission, he picked up the picture to get a closer look. His mom and dad where at the center of the photo and they were both gazing at a pile of blankets in James' arms. To their left a younger Remus Lupin, smiled and held up a tiny stuffed deer, that was clearly meant for the new addition to the family. To their right, there was a figure who was wearing a leather jacket, but Harry could not place him because the head had been scratched off.

"Who is that next to you?" For some reason he seemed eerily familiar.

Remus sighed. "After that night, when your parents died, and Sirus went after Peter...well I am ashamed to say I though he was guilty. I was so angry that I scratched out his face in all my photos. A bit unfortunate now."

Harry looked sadly at the picture. Three of the people who had loved him the most, three of the people who had died because of him...

Remus seemed to sense his mood shift. "Well, not that I don't love the breakfast and the company, but what brings you here Harry?"

Harry steadied himself for Remus's anger. It was time to fess up to what an idiot he had been. Snape was likely to report it at the next Order meeting anyway.

"I haven't been exactly honest with you." He started, and so far his father's old friend just nodded. "Do you remember the other day when I came down for breakfast and asked to read the prophet? When I asked you about Occlumency?"

He seemed to be thinking. "Yes I remember..."

"Well you asked me if I was okay, and I guess I kinda lied when I said I was. I had a dream-well a vision from Voldemort." He raised his hand to ward off Remus's interruption, if he stopped now he would never get it out. "But it's okay. Yesterday I talked to Snape and he agreed to teach me Occulmency. So I guess he will be reporting this at the next meeting, so ...yeah."

Remus seemed to trying to gather his thoughts. His confused eye settled on his breakfast. "Why are you telling me this now, _I mean_ if it will be _reported_ at the next order meeting. I could find out _then." _

The bitterness of his voice cut deep. It was a voice reserved for disappointment and anger, and a number of other things that Harry did not want directed at him. Something about that voice coming from a young man who looked old, bundled up in blankets next to the smiling image of his dead parents made Harrys heart ache. Things shouldn't be like this. He should consider Remus an uncle, a member of his Family. But all he has are memories of a rather nice teacher who tried to keep in touch when he could.

"Damn it Remus!" Said Harry, standing abruptly from his chair and turning away to let himself breathe. "You know why. I-I want you to know about this stuff before the others. You should—You should know about this before Mundungus!"

And he found he has no other way to express why he felt an overwhelming need to put Remus on notice about the latest events.

Brown eyes had finally pulled themselves up to look at Harry, and the sadness inside them took his breath away. "Harry, why didn't you tell me about the vision when it happened? Since you got here I have been telling you that you could come to me about anything. I am here. _For you_. But instead, you go to Severus Snape? I just don't understand."

And Harry could tell that this was Remus showing him that he had been trying. Maybe if things had been different there relationship would have reflected the ease of a close uncle. But trying was not doing, and all Harry could think about was how was he supposed to trust someone who had been by his side when the Dementors had tried to rip his soul apart, and then disappeared for 2 years. Or a man who had held him and told him that Sirius had was gone, but had never bothered to write in the weeks that followed. He knew that he was being unfair, but logic couldn't still his hesitance at being asked to trust this Supposed-to-be-uncle.

Of course there was no way he could find the words to say all of that, so he settled on responding to the last accusation.

"Believe me, I didn't want to go to Snape. I basically ripped apart the bloody library looking for information on my own. I had hoped to be able to teach myself." Harry let out a self deprecating laugh. "But I guess I just can't do it without help; and you said you didn't know any Occlumency..."

His voice faded away and his face pleaded with Remus to understand. But Remus was already pulling himself in and shutting his emotions away. Harry could almost hear him thinking '_you are the adult, you need to pull yourself together. Harry is a mess and you need to try and clean it up.' _

"Of course, Harry. I understand. It must be very difficult to be forced to watch these things." Compared to the bitterness of before Remus' voice had become almost mechanical. "What happened in the vision?"

The swift change in moods reminded Harry that more than a person he was an important piece in a game of chess. It was not about two people feeling hurt and alone. A supposed-to-be-uncle who wanted trust and a screwed up boy who could not give it. Instead it was about picking their next move in a blind chess game. The guilt that had been gnawing at his stomach for not letting Remus know earlier disappeared.

"It was that family that they had an article about in the prophet. The one in Northcumberland. I don't really want to go through it. Snape did some mind magic to see the memory and I'm sure he will fill you in on all the details." Said Harry, deciding that he had no desire to re-live the vision yet again. In the back of his mind Dumbledore chided "_numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it."_

Remus nodded his understanding. The lines in his face seemed deeper then they had been when had had taken the breakfast that Harry had given him.

"Right." Harry suddenly felt like the temperature in the room had gone up a whole lot. "I'll leave you to feel better."

He escaped before Remus could form a reply. Surely the werewolf had been wondering if it was best if Harry be left alone or not, and how to best respond to someone so clearly nutters, Harry thought nastily.


	4. Occlumency

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. I am just borrowing the characters for some fun.

**Warning:**This story will contain swearing, scenes of torture and sexual innuendo. Eventual Slash.

**Summary:** Nothing is going to plan. The order is three days late to pick him up and Lucius Malfoy has somehow managed to get out of Azkaban. Remus always wants to talk, but Harry can't bring himself to even think of what happened in June. It was time to face facts: Harry's life belongs to the cause and his own feelings don't matter. Begins after Order of the Phoenix. Eventual Slash.

**Chapter 4: Occlumency**

_7:59_

As unpleasant the idea of doing Occlumency with Snape was, being late would only make it worse. Harry steadied his hand and pushed open the door to the 'second dining room'.

To his surprise Snape was nowhere to be seen. He was wasn't sure if he was relieved or worried. He settled in to wait and slowly looked around the room. It was the first time he felt relaxed enough in there to really take in his surroundings. It was clear that this was designed more as a ladies tea room, then an actual dining room. A large fireplace dominated the far wall. Rather than the more macabre decor in the rest of the house, the mantel had unicorns and other magical creatures sculpted into its design. To his left was a table with seating for 8 people, laid out in preparation to be used. On the right was a small seating area with a couple of arm chairs and 2 love seats. Everything was done in greens, pinks and whites to enhance the effect of a 'woman's room'.

Snape appeared suddenly, with his usual scowl in place. Harry couldn't help looking at the clock and feeling smug when he realized that his teacher was 5 minutes late. "You're late."

Deadened black eyes looked back at him. "I thought it would be rather hard to explain to the Dark Lord that I had to nip out to teach the-boy-who-lived Occlumency."

Harry gulped. "Oh. Well, I guess that's okay then."

"I am not concerned with your feelings on the matter, Potter." Snape Sneered.

_Well this is going well._ Thought Harry. _Sounds like I am in for a great evening. _

"Clear your mind. I hope you have been practicing." His professor raised his wand and his eyebrow in a challenge.

Harry steadied his breath and quickly tried to follow the instructions. He squared his feet off hoping that standing more firmly would keep him from falling down.

Unfortunately it was not meant to be. His head nearly missed a chair as he landed on the ground. The feeling had been both worse than and not as bad as he remembered, at the same time. On one hand, Snape was certainly not Voldemort. But on the other, standing there letting someone knock him over certainly was not a good feeling. He breathed deeply on the floor for a moment. His stomach was nauseous, but he did not feel like he was going to be sick. It seemed like his brain very much wanted to vacate his head.

"Again. Focus Potter." Barked Snape.

Harry frantically reminded himself that he needed the help and pushed himself into a standing position.

Unfortunately, the next try did not yield any different results. Neither did the one after that, or the next. Harry was very quickly becoming intimately acquainted with the horrible rug. He had even moved forward, so that the dining room chair posed no risk. It was obvious that his ability to Occlude had not improved at all since his last lesson. Snape was becoming obviously bored, and his _touch _was becoming increasingly sharp.

The next few hours became a blur.

"Honestly, Potter your mind is so weak we might as well concede defeat to the Dark Lord now."

"Perhaps you should lay on the floor, you'll end up there anyway."

"Such high expectations everyone has for you, it will be so hard on them when they find your brain is scrambled like eggs."

Snape was making him angry, but he was too tired to get properly pissed. His arms felt so heavy and his head pounded on. Mostly he was just resigned to the fact that Snape was right in his assessment of the situation. Suddenly the floo flared green and it gave him a moment of relief from the relentless attacks.

Narcissa Malfoy was calmly stepping out of the fire, as if she was stepping out of a limo (although she would probably not like the comparison). As always, her make-up was perfect and she was frowning. Her eyes quickly assessed the situation. She noticed Harry on the floor and the particularly foul look on Snape's face.

"Is something wrong Narcissa?" Asked Snape

She sunk into a chair. "Everything is fine Severus. I just wanted a moment; I hope you don't mind me imposing myself on your lesson." Her voice changed tones. "Although Mr. Potters position on the floor does make me wonder how things are progressing?"

"Things are progressing as expected. I am re-considering my position in this war." Said Snape blandly. He sunk onto the settee.

Suddenly feeling all too exposed, Harry hurriedly stood up. Unfortunately, the quick movement made him hastily grab for the dinning chair he had almost hit before. He could take any insult Snape wanted to throw at him in private, but with Narcissa Malfoy looking down at him a surge of righteous anger went through him. "Maybe if you would bloody well teach me something I could not end up on the floor. But you continue to be a fucking horrible teacher and _that _is progressing _exactly_ as expected!"

It was strange, he could swear that Snape almost smiled before turning the shade of Uncle Vernon's port and shooting Avada Kedavra from his eyes. "Potter, do not tempt me to take you right to the Dark Lord. I have no time for teenaged temper tantrums."

Narcissa tutted. "And what instruction have you given the boy Severus? That way I can decide for myself the merits of my families' decision."

Harry saw red. "You see! I told you it was all an act!"

"Well my attempt at humor has clearly gone terribly wrong." Muttered Narcissa "I apologise Mr. Potter. I thought you would have realised after speaking with professor Dumbledore that the Malfoy family is clearly on 'the side of the light', as they say."

Snape was staring at him in with an exhausted deadpanned face. "Ignore him Narcissa. The boy fancies that he is smarter than Dumbledore and the rest of us combined. Clearly that is why he cannot master the simple instructions to _clear his mind_."

Rather than answer right away the Malfoy matriarch levitated a tea set from one of the side cabinets onto the coffee table and conjured tea. She mixed hers with the appropriate milk and sugar and motioned for Snape and Harry to do the same. "For goodness sake sit down Mr. Potter, I promise not to kill you this evening. _That was a joke_, do not take it too personally."

For the second time in as many days Harry felt like he had entered the twilight zone. Feeling beat up and confused he slumped into a chair instantly.

"Now," Continued Narcissa as she relaxed further unto her chair " If the only instruction you have given him Severus has been to clear his mind, Mr. Potters ire might not be entirely undeserved. Not all of us are born with powers of the mind, after all."

That was the second time in 2 days that a Malfoy had agreed with him. Harry wasn't quite sure how to feel about that. Luckily his input was not required.

Snape had fixed himself a cuppa as well and leaned back into the pillows. Harry felt as if he was seeing a rare moment of a somewhat relaxed Snape. "You and Lucius required no training in Occlumency, and I believe even Draco has the rudimentary skills. It is not such a speciality."

"Lucius and I possess the skills of Occlumency simply because we were both raised by families focused on old pureblood traditions, with in-depth knowledge of the dark arts. Draco has been meditating since 5, as I did and as did Lucius. I doubt Mr. Potter had the same chance given his..._upbringing_."

Suddenly both sets of eyes were on Harry. He started. He hadn't really been paying attention to what they were talking about. He had been debating if he would be signing his own death certificate if he took a cup of tea from something a Malfoy had conjured. "Sorry what?"

Harry could almost hear Snape's eyes roll. "Have you ever meditated Potter? Perhaps with your family?"

The image of the Dursley's meditating was so ridiculous that it made him bite the inside of his cheek. He could see Vernon, Petunia and Dudley all lined up on yoga mats in the cramped living room of private drive. Vernon's belly would be so large it would swallow up his legs, and Dudley would struggle for a full 10 minutes to get his legs into the strange cross legged position Harry associated with Meditation. "Definitely not. No. Why would we?"

Something calculating was in Snapes eyes and Mrs. Malfoy looked sad.

"Because Mr. Potter," Said Narcissa Malfoy "It is a tradition that Wizards have been partaking in since the beginning of time to better help them control their emotions and their magic. I know I am now in Dumbledore's camp, but I still cannot condone this casual disposal of the old ways. Before you can occlude you must learn to meditate."

Harry resisted the urge to scoff. It all seemed so silly to him. At Private Drive anything of this sort would have been considered "Namby pamby bullshit". It made no sense. Voldemort was terrorizing the Wizarding World and to solve that all Harry had to do was to sit down and get in touch with his inner feelings for a few hours. Even Snape's lesson plan, as bad as it had been, at least gave him a taste of what to expect. "So, according you, all I need to do is sit on the ground cross legged and think about the universe or something and all my problems will be solved?"

She gave off a small forced laugh. "That is a gross simplification. You do not need to sit cross legged either, sit however you want, you can even lie down. Draco normally likes to lie in the grass. I also do not want you to think about the universe. I want you to do exactly as Severus has been asking: clear your mind. Over time you will feel the magical power flowing through you; you will become more in touch with yourself and be able to focus that energy into an Occlumency shield."

How the hell was he supposed to respond to that? Part of him wanted to laugh at Draco Fucking Malfoy lying in the grass 'becoming in touch with himself'. What nonsense. But...what they had been doing for the last hour was certainly not working. She looked so earnest and so sure that this would make a difference. Even Snape seemed to be contemplating her method. How much could it hurt?

Harry yawned and shrugged. "Alright, so I just have to lie down and relax?"

Mrs. Malfoy stopped him before he could lie down. "Not now. You look like you will just fall asleep. Perhaps I can meet with you tomorrow at the same time? 8pm?"

"Umm...alone?" He hated sounding like a scared Hufflepuff first year, but he really didn't think he could relax at all in the presence of a Malfoy.

Narcissa looked like she wanted to laugh at that and Snape blandly assured him "Don't worry, Potter, I will be here to protect your honor."

_Oh yeah, he would definitely have no trouble getting in a meditative state with those two watching him. _

"Okay fine." Pride was one hell of a motivator.

The Malfoy Matriarch stood to leave. "I must be going. Lucius is ...indisposed and Draco is home alone. I should check on him."

"I'll come with you." Snape stood and made to leave with her. If Snape had had feelings Harry would swear that Snape was concerned.

They both swept away without so much as a goodbye. Harry noticed they called into the fire for a location that he had never heard of. It certainly wasn't Malfoy Manor, and he felt a little better knowing that they needed to go to the extra trouble to come to Grimmauld place.

Feeling tired, but not like he could fall asleep Harry picked up the tea set and brought it into the kitchen to tidy up.

Remus jumped up the minute he entered the kitchen. He had been sitting reading The Prophet at the table. The werewolf rushed over to take the tea set out of Harry's hands and pushed him towards the chairs. He must really look like shite.

"How did it go?" Remus asked, tentatively.

"Not sure" Said Harry "I got knocked on my ass for an hour and then Mrs. Malfoy comes in and thinks I need to meditate."

Remus was looking at him like he was very concerned. "How did it go with Narcissa?"

"I- well...It went." Replied Harry, not really sure how he should read her behavior.

The silence in the kitchen was tense. For the most part they had each kept to themselves today. Harry knew that Remus had gone to an Order meeting sometime in the afternoon, but other than that they had not spoken.

"Harry...about the vision...Severus did a report at the meeting and-"

"Do you wanna play a game of exploding Snap?" Blurted Harry.

Remus blinked. "Don't you want to get things off your chest?"

"No." Said Harry, with such gravitas that Remus looked like he actually believed him. "What I would like is to get my mind off this stupid war for half an hour and play some exploding Snap with a mate."

The werewolf gave him a genuine smile, and Harry felt glad that he had gotten rid of the look of disappointment for the time being.

"Okay, loser makes breakfast."

**HPHPHP**

Relations with Remus had fallen back into a comfortable friendship. Harry was glad to have his friend back, it certainly helped him deal with the impending meditation lesson. He had been somewhat bolstered by the fact that, when he had asked, even Remus thought that meditation was a good idea. But he still approached 8pm, like Hermione approached a final exam. His stomach was full of butterflies and he was barely able to eat any of his dinner.

Remus seemed to have finally realised that Harry did not want to talk about it. So he graciously pretended that Harry was not picking at his food like a five year old.

"I love a classic Sunday roast." Said Remus digging into more Yorkshire pudding. The gravy was just the right amount of rich and salty.

Harry nodded and shoved a small bite into his mouth, willing himself to swallow. That morning the prophet had reported more deaths, so he was more determined than ever to make any kind of small step against Voldemort. But it still seemed like the clock was rushing towards 8pm.

"I saw the Weasley clan the other day, at the Order meeting." Remus said, forceful cheer in his voice. "They all say hi. The twins are making as many items as possible for their shop. They asked me to come over and look over some things for them next week."

Harry perked up. "When do you think they will be able to open their shop?"

"Not for a while yet. But they have some amazing ideas. They want to make a type of blank Marauders map, which can be mapped to any home. Parents can use it as a monitoring device. I'm going to help them with the proto type. They really are quite brilliant. They have some ideas that might also be useful for the war effort. Their creativity has a no bounds."

"They're going to make millions." Harry said, momentarily forgetting 8pm. "Fred and George are really under estimated. They are more than just pranksters, you know."

"I agree. I am certainly glad those 2 boys are on our side. I can't wait for them to turn their pastries into a weapon and to watch Crabbe and Goyle transform into canaries." Remus chuckled at his own joke.

"Who says that they need to turn them into weapons for that to happen?" Added Harry "If they are anything like their sons, they won't be able to hold back on eating a yummy looking cake. We could probably take out half the Death Eaters like that!"

They both roared with laughter.

"I would pay money to see Binns teaching that in history of magic." Said Remus, stumbling over his laughter. "Definitely not how people imagined the final battle."

Harry shook his head. "If it doesn't have Goblins, then Binns won't cover it."

Remus gaffed and stood to bring his plate to the sink.

Harry glanced at the clock and slammed back into reality. 15 minutes to 8. "Let me do the dishes, yeah? Best to keep myself occupied."

Remus nodded. "Fair enough. If you want I can come too? I am certainly not opposed to some meditation."

"No, but thanks." Harry's pride would not let him bring Remus to the lesson. Although he would probably be more comfortable, it would be a definite admission of fear and he was too Gryffindor to allow that.

Washing the dishes took far too short a time, even though he was doing it the muggle way. He found himself waiting on the delicate pink settee five minutes before they were due to arrive.

Narcissa Malfoy and Snape arrived at the same time. Each of them stepped out of the floo with their stereotypical grace and perched in their same seats from the night before. Snape was silent and his eyes were unreadable.

"Good evening Mr. Potter." Said Narcissa calmly. She was dressed in an uncharacteristically simple blue robe. It was loose fitting and looked incredibly comfortable. "I have designed some simple techniques that we can practice today. Do you have any questions before we begin?"

Harry shook his head. He did not even know enough to have questions to ask.

"Very well, let's begin then. Have you given any thought to how you would like to meditate? Would you prefer to sit or lay down?" Asked Narcissa.

"What's the difference?" Asked Harry.

Mrs. Malfoys lip twitched upwards. "No difference. Some people feel that laying down makes it too easy for them to fall asleep, but you should choose a position that is most comfortable for you."

Harry thought for a moment. "I'll stay seated I think."

He left the fact that his choice was mostly dictated by the fact that he felt less vulnerable sitting down unsaid.

The Malfoy matriarch was already moving to re-arrange the room. She flicked her wand and the coffee table was pushed to the side. To Harry's surprise, she then delicately sat down on the ground. Her feet disappeared beneath her robes and she looked at Harry expectantly.

Feeling strange Harry moved down to sit on the carpet. Not really sure what to do, he sat down cross legged. "I don't think my feet can move into that fancy position." He pulled half-heartedly on his leg.

Snape was still sitting on the couch and made no move to join them on the floor. His silence and stare was making him feel uncomfortable.

"Sit however you like." Said Narissa, distracting Harry from brooding about Snape. "This is your first lesson. I want you to simply learn the basics today and we will work on ideal posturing later. Sit however it is most comfortable for you."

Harry remained cross legged and leaned back against the settee.

Malfoy tisked. "Posture Mr. Potter. Sit up properly."

Inwardly Harry rolled his eyes. She had just said to sit however he wanted. But he moved away from the couch like she said.

"Alright. Close your eyes. I want you to focus on you breathing. Take a deep breath in through your nose…and release. Again. Breath in…and out." Her voice was taking on a calm trance like quality.

Narcissa Malfoy already looked to be in a completely calm meditative state. Harry watched her relax into the posture and follow her own instructions. He hastily closed his eyes, but could not help peaking a bit. Snape glared down at him. Eventually, Snape's stare made him decided to keep them shut. Somehow the prospect of leaving his eyes open became more scary then sitting blind.

Next she walked him through a series of exercises to make him focus on his body. He was to discard any thoughts or feelings and focus on how he left here and now. Malfoy started at the feet and worked he way up. Each instruction made him relax a different part of his body.

At first he found himself thinking about how stupid this all was. How the bloody hell would this help him fight off Voldemort? But eventually, grudgingly, he started to follow her instructions. Harry began to notice that he legs felt heavy and that the muscles in his lower back hurt. He consciously relaxed his jaw. Slowly each part of his body unwound from all its stress.

He wasn't sure how long they stayed like this; Mrs. Malfoy talking him calmly through the exercises, Harry clumsily following along and Snape staring at them like a big bat. After what felt like a long time, she calmly told him that their lesson was over. To his surprise, it took Harry a minute to revive himself and move back onto the couch.

"Well I think that was a very successful first lesson, don't you agree?" Asked Narcissa Malfoy, once again perched elegantly on the settee by the fireplace.

"I consider anything that makes Potter shut up for an hour straight a success, Narcissa." Snape deadpanned.

Her mouth twitched slightly. "Well I am glad that you are so pleased, Severus. I think that it would be quite beneficial to be back tomorrow night at the same time."

She swept her robe out of the way and made for the floo. Snape followed with his usual scowl. They both disappeared into the Flames, and Harry grumbled that they had not even asked him if he happened to be busy tomorrow night.

**A/N:****I Just wanted to let you all know that my authors notes are posted on my profile page, if you are interested in seeing them. I don't want there to be too much of me blathering away down here. Thanks for reading and please review :) **


	5. Mumbo Jumbo

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I am just borrowing the characters for some fun.

Warning: This story will contain swearing, scenes of torture and sexual innuendo. Eventual Slash.

Summary: Nothing is going to plan. The order is three days late to pick him up and Lucius Malfoy has somehow managed to get out of Azkaban. Remus always wants to talk, but Harry can't bring himself to even think of what happened in June. It was time to face facts: Harry's life belongs to the cause and his own feelings don't matter. Begins after Order of the Phoenix. Eventual Slash.

Chapter Five: Mumbo Jumbo

"What do you want to do for your birthday?"

Harry pocked his head out of the pantry to glance at Remus. "What do you mean? Can I actually leave Grimmauld?"

Remus looked downcast. "Well…no, but I thought you might like to do something special."

Harry turned back to his perusal of the snack shelf of the pantry. After almost 2 weeks at Grimmauld place, if his birthday did not involve some kind of excursion he was just not that interested. Snacks on the other hand were a very interesting business. He wanted to make sure to get something savory, something salty, something sweet and definitely something crunchy. He was on a snack mission.

"Maybe you have a favorite dinner you would like or a dessert or something?" Said Resmus's disembodied voice from the heart of the kitchen.

Making a snap decision Harry grabbed three bags and moved out of the panty. "Nothing special thanks. Just a normal dinner would be nice. Besides my birthday is a week away, no rush really."

"Someone's hungry." The werewolf eyed his full arms

Harry shrugged. He was settling in for a major study session. Besides, ever since forever he had liked to keep some snacks in his room with him. It was always best to have an emergency supply, and old habits…

"I'm not sure I, as the responsible adult, should let you eat that much junk." Said Remus tilting his head to see the bag of crisps and cookies.

Harry's eyes darkened. "Then you, as the responsible adult, shouldn't have bought them if you didn't expect me to eat them."

The pensive look on Remus's face took on a look of amusement. "Fair enough."

Harry rolled his eyes and pivoted toward the door. Remus was always trying to be strict and then being talked out of it.

He carried his haul up to his room and threw everything on the bed. He propped up his pillows for maximum comfort and settled into his spot, opening a bag of crisps as he went. There was no more time for procrastination, he had to read the book they have given him on Occlumency. He had received the book several days ago, but of course he had not bothered to open it until now…and today's lesson was in 3 hours. Mrs. Malfoy had said that they would be going over the contents of the book today, so naturally he had waited until the last minute to read it.

So far all they had done each lesson was meditate for an hour straight. Malfoy insisted that he could not begin anything with Occlumency until he could meditate with ease. Although Harry was slowly going insane with impatience, he was improving in mediation drastically. Hopefully this book meant that he could finally move into the next step of his Occlumency training.

He pulled the text onto his lap and considered his options. The book was about 500 pages long and there was no way he could read it all. His best bet was to skim as much as possible and cross his fingers if they asked him anything. It was a technique he often applied at Hogwarts.

The first chapter was titled "Meditation and focused thinking"; Harry deemed that worth skipping entirely. Ha-he was already 50 pages down. The next chapter looked more promising: "Magical energy". He smiled to himself and started to skim as efficiently as he could.

By the time 8pm rolled around Harry had officially Skim/skipped 400 pages of his "Art of Occlumency and a calm mind" book. He figured that he was pretty safe for the lesson. He could skim the last 100 pages later. The book had been somewhat informative (well it had been more informative them Snape yelling at him to close his mind), but most of it still sounded like hippy mumbo jumbo to him. There was a whole chapter on the "mind-magic-body connection." What a load of rubbish. For someone so posh, Mrs. Malfoy was really fond of new aged nonsense. He was pretty sure that Snape had not chosen the book. It was difficult to picture the dour potions master philosophising over how what he ate for breakfast effected his magic.

To his surprise, for the first time since the lessons began, Harry was the second person to arrive. When he entered the "Ladies dining room" Mrs. Malfoy was already perched on the couch.

"Good evening Mr. Potter. Severus will be unable to join us tonight I'm afraid."

Harry paused at the door. As much as he didn't like Snape- his absence could not be a good thing.

Malfoy smirked. "Are you afraid that I will do something evil in his absence? I assure you I can be quite civilized to guests in my home."

Harry walked inside boldly and took a seat across from her. He would never admit it to anyone, but over time he had let his guard down. It was a start to be reminded that he was essentially staying in Narcissa Malfoys home for the summer.

"No problem. What are we doing today?" Said Harry, still hoping that they would be moving forward in training.

She considered him. "Let's start with our meditation."

Harry easily fell into his regular position, by now he was not so uncomfortable with being expected to sit up straight. Malfoy floated down to the floor as well.

"Let's see how you do without me guiding you. Relax into a meditative state, I will tell you when to stop."

It took Harry longer than normal to fully relax into his mediation without being guided. It was easy to be carried off by his own thoughts and forget to do the steps they had gone over. But after a while he did successfully settle into the meditative state. When Ms. Malfoy told him to get up, it took him a moment to bring himself back.

She smiled at him, and the kindness in her eyes disarmed him. "You are progressing rather well Mr. Potter. How did you find it without my guidance?"

"It was fine." Answered Harry. This was the first time they had really spent any time discussing anything. Normally they mediated and then left, no talking required. "It was a bit harder to keep myself on track, but I managed in the end."

She nodded. "That is the importance of focused thinking. Mediation is not a lack of thought, but a conscious choice of what you would like to think about. Speaking of which, did you find the book helpful? I thought it would be an accessible text to start with."

Harry looked for words. "The book? Yeah it was good."

"Of course this is not something you learn at Hogwarts, but I have always considered the mind-Magic-body connection to be extremely influential. Where you at all surprised by what the author said on the subject?"

Oh. Shit. He was screwed. Of course she would consider a chapter he had skimmed _particularly_ fast to be_ really_ important. "Well…I thought that it was really interesting that there was a mind-magic-body connection. It's cool that what I think can…you know…influence how my magic does stuff."

Harry peaked at her face to see if he had given himself away, but Malfoy looked like she was buying it for the moment. He exhaled in relief.

"What are your thoughts on the Mumbleton Theory?" She said, as she conjured tea.

"It's a…umm…great theory…I am totally with Mumbleton…" Harry was drawing a complete blank. He did not remember even seeing the word Mumbleton in the entire text.

"Tell me Mr. Potter, how much of the book did you really read? Procrastination is a very bad habit." She did not even look up from pouring the tea as she added "Do not look so surprised. I do live with a 15 year old boy and I am quite familiar with the behavior. As much as you and Draco like to think that you are so different, a 15 year old boy is a 15 year old boy. Not to mention there is no Mumbleton Theory in that particular text. Sugar?"

Harry's mouth had dropped open and he was trying to figure out how to answer her. He hurriedly pulled himself together. "Yes, sugar please. That was a dirty trick."

She handed him his tea and smirked. "Tell me Mr. Potter of what little you know about me, what made you think I played fair?"

His eyes narrow and he glanced at the tea in his hands. No wonder Draco Malfoy was such an ass if this was what he grew up with. "It's just so much of the book is so much…mumbo jumbo theory. What does that have to do with Occlumency? Sna-Professor Snape never had me do any of this stuff."

She rolled her eyes and seemed to be praying for patience. "Yes and Severus tells me that those lesson turned out so incredibly well. Be careful Mr. Potter your muggle upbringing is showing. This mumbo jumbo is the basis of a well-rounded connection to your magic."

"Is that supposed to be some sort of insult?" Said Harry, suddenly furious. This whole thing was such a waste of time. He was actually starting to missing being of the floor of Snape's Classroom.

"I suppose you could take it as such, but I meant it more as a solid fact." Said Narcissa Malfoy looking not the least bit perturbed by her pupils anger. "Consider this Mr. Potter: what is Magic to a muggle if not mumbo jumbo? Where does our magic come from and how do we access it? Does it not all just seem very 'mumbo jumbo'? You wave a stick and speak in Latin then suddenly we have conjured tea." As if to prove a point she sipped at her glass.

Brought up short by her comments Harry considered for a moment. As much as he hated to admit it she was right. His Uncle Vernon would not have hesitated to call magic nonsense- mumbo jumbo for freaks and unnatural's. Anything the least bit unnatural would have be scoffed at by his muggle relatives; and they certainly considered magic unnatural. "Well we are born with magic, so I guess I always just thought the magic came from us."

"Correct in part, Mr. Potter." Responded Malfoy. "Soon when we mediate I will guide you through the process of seeing your magical energy. It flows through us at all times, effecting every part of us. Magical healing potions only work by interacting with our magic. But there is also magic in nature. That is why so many of the old rituals draw on the power of the land. Magic is a very fabric of our being. Magic allows us to expand our minds and our bodies to what would otherwise be impossible. Thus, a mind-magic-body connection, or mumbo jumbo as you termed it."

It almost looked like she was smiling.

"I umm skimmed that chapter, I didn't think it would be very applicable." Harry blushed slightly.

Malfoy nodded. "And you did a bad job of it. These are the basics Mr. Potter. Once you understand and are able to manipulate this connection you will have a better grasp of your magic. Tomorrow, once you have read the chapter, we will discuss it again."

Her voice brooked no argument and Harry found himself agreeing with her. Suddenly he was much more interested to read the book. He couldn't help but feel that he had slowed down his learning process by being so flip about reading it. It hadn't seemed like a big deal at the time, but now…

Feeling slightly guilty and looking to change the subject Harry latched onto something he had been meaning to ask since the beginning of the session. "So where is Snape? Is everything okay?"

Narcissa Tisked. "_Professor _Snape was called away and was unable to make it. Do not worry yourself over it."

Yeah _that _sounded reassuring.

Naricssa Malfoy was standing to leave. She pointed her wand at the tea set and it vanished. Harry's cup disappeared from his hand. "Your paranoia over drinking my tea is not only ridiculous, but rather inconsistent with the state of affairs, Mr. Potter. I have yet to poison you with anything."

Yeah _that _alsosounded reassuring.

"Have a good evening, Mr. Potter. I have heard that reading before bed does wonders for a good night's sleep."

And with that she was gone.

**HPHPHP**

The next day Harry had to concede that Ms. Malfoy did have a point about the book, and besides if he wanted to learn Occlumency reading was a small price to pay. He ate his breakfast in his room and read all morning. When he applied himself he realised that it was a pretty quick read. Some of the chapters that he had initially dismissed were actually kinda interesting. Of course, there was no way he would be done the book by tonight's lesson but he was determined to prove that he wanted to advance in his lessons.

By lunch time he was pretty proud at having gotten through 150 pages. His eyes were starting to sting and he was losing focus so he decided to join Remus for lunch.

The werewolf was in the kitchen making sandwiches, some music playing as he worked. Remus had been in a good mood since his last day assignment, so Harry assumed that it had gone well.

"Harry! Good to see you. You've been hiding from me this morning, what have you been up to?" He smiled at his charge and took 2 more slices of bread out to make another sandwich.

Harry slumped into a chair at the table. "I have to catch up with a book Mrs. Malfoy wants me to read for Occlumency. I put it off until the last minute and she grilled me about it last night."

Remus did a funny little spin and slid the plate across the table before taking a seat. "As I remember you were always horrible at hiding that you didn't do your readings." He gave a full belly laugh at the look on Harry's face. "Don't tell me you thought I didn't notice?"

It was unsettling to realise that he was more transparent then he wanted to be. Could all the teachers tell when he skimmed? "You never let on!"

"Well you were doing well and almost always picked up the information well enough in lecture, so I let it slide most of the time." Said Remus "I do remember taking some points for not doing homework a few times."

Harry chewed his Sandwich thoughtfully. "Am I that easy to read?"

"Easier to read that a child's book. That and McGonagall warned me about your tendency to hurry through work to get to quidditch."

Remus's good mood was catching and Harry laughed. "Well that's just unfair. I had no idea the teachers were such a bunch of gossips."

The werewolf grinned. "Believe me Harry you have no idea."

They chatted through lunch, taking the micky out of each other the whole time. As Harry stood to put his dishes in the sink the werewolf slid some letters across the table at him. "These came for at breakfast. I think they're from Ron and Hermione."

Feeling pleased Harry all but threw his dish in the sink and rushed over to the table. He had not heard from his friends since he arrived at Grimmauld place and he was hoping they would have news. Maybe the Weasley's were staying at the other headquarters and Ron could give him more information about the war effort. He ripped open Ron's letter.

_Hey Harry! _

_How is your summer? I hope you're not too board just you and Professor Lupin. _

_Everything is bloody brilliant over here! Hermione invited me and Gin to go with her on a family trip to her aunt's cottage by the sea. Of course, mom and dad were worried at first about me and Ginny going without any wizards with us, but dad came up with this brilliant idea of bringing the wizard tent (the one from the Triwizard tournament) so the whole family could go. We set up the tent in the backyard. Dad is driving us all mental with all his questions about the muggle stuff. _

_Fred and George came too, but they have been working a lot. Apparently Shacklebot thinks some of their inventions might be great in the future. How cool is that? I never actually thought that their stuff would be useful. _

_We asked Dumbledore if you could come with us, but he said it was too unsafe. I wish you were here mate, the view is amazing!_

_Gotta go Hermiones parents are showing dad how to cut the grass the muggle way. I can't wait to see this! _

_See ya, _

_Ron _

What the Fuck? He was here spending Quality time with Narciassa Fucking Malfoy and the bastard Snape to try and stop getting visions from Voldemort, and they were lazing about on the beach. By Ron's description even fighting the war was fun. He bet that Fred and George were hilarious as they came up with pranks to screw with the Death Eaters. And He, the supposed-savior-of-them-all, could not even leave the house. He looked at the chalky white arm holding the letter and realised he was a white as a ghost. And his friends were tanning by the beach.

What the Fuck?

And What about Dumbledore? He had not even mentioned to Harry that Ron had asked if he could come. In fact Harry had not seen Dumbledore since they spoke about the Malfoys. How dare he make decisions without asking him. Shouldn't it be Harry's choice (or at least his guardians) if he wanted to go to the beach?

Feeling more than a little put out Harry opened Hermione's letter.

_Hi Harry! _

_I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to write. Things have been so busy over here. All the Weasley's have come to stay with us at my aunt's cottage. My parents and Mr and Mrs. Wealsey get on really well but I have to help with the muggle-wizarding translation. _

_We desperately wanted you to come Harry, but Dumbledore said it was too risky. We wrote him two letters pleading our case but he just won't budge. I'm so sorry Harry. It's just not the same without you! We miss you terribly. _

_Mr. Weasley has been playing with all the muggle things of course, and my mom is in love with Mrs. Weasleys household charms. Fred and George are busy working on inventions, I never thought those two would be so serious. Mostly we've been spending the days down at the local shops and swimming. I think my mum and dad are just happy that they get to spend all summer with me. Normally I go visit the Wesley's, but this is a nice change. _

_I promise not to take so long before I write again. I hope your summer is turning out to be good too!_

_Hermione_

He put down her letter roughly and noticed that Remus was watching him. "Good news?"

"The Wealsey's have gone to stay with the Gangers at a cottage by the sea." Said Harry tightly. "They asked Dumbledore if I could come and he said no."

Remus looked appropriately sympathetic. "That's too bad Harry. I suppose it's just too dangerous."

Harry roughly re-folded the letters. He wanted something to do with his hands. "I also suppose he doesn't think it's worth his time to come tell me himself."

"Professor Dumbledore is a very busy man Harry. He knew that Ron and Hermione would write you." The werewolf said tentatively

The fifteen year old sighed in frustration. "Yeah well no offense shouldn't he be busy with me? I know that sounds totally self centered, but according to all this prophesy bullshit I am the one who will vanquish Voldemort, so why has he not even bothered himself to see how I am. I mean he only bothered to come last time because he was probably afraid that if he didn't I would break things like I did in his office at the end of last year."

Remus looked despondent at Harry's anger, and he felt back for taking out all his frustration on the only person that happened to be around. "Harry you have to remember that there are many aspects to a war. Dumbledore has been at the ministry a lot, trying to get the right person in office the upcoming elections. He's also trying to get help from influential families internationally and in Britain. And that's just be beginning of what he has to do. But besides that- remember what he talked about when you arrived? No one expects you to fight this war if you don't want to. And no one expects you to win on your own."

Harry shoved the papers in his jean pockets and turned to leave. He knew that there was no way he was winning this fight and if he had to listen to any more of Remus's overly optimistic BS he was going to blow up. "Whatever. I have a book to read. In my room. Not on the beach." He muttered as he stormed up the stairs.

It was harder to concentrate on his reading in the afternoon then it had been in the morning. He had tried to come up with answers for Ron and Hermione, but had chucked them in the bin. After all it was not their fault the Dumbledore was an unmitigated bastard. And so Harry couldn't go, it's not like he expected them to lock themselves in the house and have a miserable summer just because he was.

By the time 8pm rolled around he had only managed to finish another 100 pages of the text. He hoped that was enough to impress Malfoy and move forward in his training. To his surprise for the first time he looked forward to his lessons. It would take his mind of his anger at Dumbledore and the meditation really did help to make him feel calmer.

This time Snape and Malfoy were there like normal. Mrs. Malfoy was wearing a powder blue robe and had her hair done up in an intricate braid. Snape looked like a grumpy body guard standing next to her.

"Good evening Mr. Potter."

"Good evening Mrs. Malfoy."

She gave him a perfunctory smile. "I trust that you rectified yesterday's situation?"

"Don't trust that so readily, Narcissa. Potter often goes to great lengths to avoid doing his work." Snape sneered down at him and Harry was so glad that he would be able to prove him wrong.

Harry held out the book in front of him. There were bits of paper sticking out and the spine had cracked when he had bended it back too far to make a note in the crease. "Well I'm not finished it yet, but I am about 250 pages in."

Snape raised an eyebrow, but otherwise looked unimpressed. Mafloy smiled at him encouragingly and Harry felt proud of all the work he was doing.

"Very good Mr. Potter. I am glad that you took our talk to heart." She looked genuinely pleased with him. How she managed to look both happy and still condensing was beyond Harry. He imagined her practicing her expressions in front of a mirror and supressed a smile. "I think that it is in fact time that we progress your training. This evening I would like to guide you through an exercise aimed to help you feel the flow of your magic."

Harry tried not to show how excited he was. Finally he was doing something right when it came it his Occlumency lessons. Even Snape had not been able to comment once he had seen the state of Harry's book.

"Let's start by getting into our meditative state." Said Mrs. Malfoy sinking to the ground.

Harry sat on the ground and Snape took a seat on the settee, presumably to glare at them throughout the lesson as he normally did.

As he settled into his meditation Harry lost track to time. He discarded any thoughts of Ron and Hermione and Dumbledore and just was. He tried to be totally present in the moment and not dwell on anything. In what felt like very little time Malfoy started talking.

"Feel you heartbeat. It is strong. Listen for the noise of it beating."

Harry had to relax further in order to actually sit still enough to hear the noise of the beat. He timed his breathing so that each breath and each beat were evenly matched.

"Your heart is pushing the blood through your veins. Relax even more and feel it rushing through your body."

This was the hard part. That was what the book had said. It was difficult to really be that in touch with your body. Harry paid closer attention to his heart beat and then visualized the blood flowing from his heart. "Occlumency and a Clear mind" stressed the visualization was often he first step to doing. When that was not doing much he focused his attention to his fingers. He squeezed the tips of his fingers together then let go and felt the blood rush into them.

"Go deeper. Be totally in touch with what is happening in your body at this very moment. Your blood is moving, your lungs are breathing and your heart is pumping. But feel more. There is something else that is there running through you."

Yesterday Harry would have thought that his was ridiculous advice, but today he was prepared to be told this. The book had said something remarkably similar. So Harry did what they said. He was not sure how long he sat there listening on his heart and feeling the blood. He began to get frustrated, but discarded the feeling like his meditative training taught him. After what felt like forever he did feel something. As his blood moved there was something with it. It was flowing all through him, it was in every cell and it felt energetic. Suddenly he could hear the rushing in his ears of all the magic stored within him. He felt it encompassing him and protecting him. To his surprise his magic was not only inside him but he felt it interacting with his environment. Pushing and pulling on the magic around him.

It was amazing. Of course since he was eleven he had known that he had magic, but he had never before experience it like this. Magic had always just been like a cool tool that he could use when he needed something. Like how a muggle could have a cool car Harry would one day be able to apparate. And instead of scrubbing floors he could simply wave a wand. But now he realised that that was all wrong. The magic was in him and was a part of him. Feeling it run through him felt like touching life itself.

"Okay, Mr. Potter that is enough. Come back to us."

Reluctantly Harry pulled away and opened his eyes. He saw Snape glowering at him and he was yanked roughly back into the second dining room of Grimmauld place. He swore he could still feel the tingle in his fingers. Like the magic inside him was rising up to his call.

"That was awesome!" Said Harry unable to contain his excitement. "I could feel my magic flowing through me!"

Narcissa Malfoy looked extremely pleased as she delicately stood and sat next to the potions master on the settee. "It is a bit of a rush. Especially the first time you feel it. Now that you have done it once you should be able to feel your magic much more easily in the future."

Harry glanced at a clock to see how long they had been working at it and saw that it was going on ten pm. He had definitely been out of it longer then he had thought, normally they only did the meditation for an hour. Snape was strangely silent as his pupil got off the floor and collapsed into a nearby chair.

He tapped his fingers on the arm rest. "I can still feel the magic tingling. It was running all through me and then I could feel it pulling on other magic too."

"Very good Mr. Potter. Not everyone feels the interaction with the environment on the first try." Said Narcissa Malfoy, conjuring their tea as was quickly becoming habit. "Our magic interacts with where we are, that is why it is normally preferable to do this outside. Most of the old rites pull from the energy in nature."

Harry nodded. "That makes sense. Is the magical current what effects the muggle things at Hogwarts?" Harry thought of a little hand held radio that Dean had brought to school in their first year. It ran on batteries, but he had never been able to get it to work.

To his surprise Snape answered his question. "Hogwarts has a particularly strong magical energy. Generations of students passed through those halls each leaving a magical imprint, additionally we are surrounded by forests. Hogwarts is at an intersection between the three of the four elements: air, Water and earth. Muggle electricity becomes confused by the massive amounts of magical currents and stops working."

"How's it even possible to be near fire? Without..umm..starting a fire I mean." Asked Harry curiously. They had talked a little about the importance of the elements in charms, but had yet to go into complex detail.

"Volcano's." Snape said curtly "There are only a few locations in the world that comprise all 4 elements nearby and they are considered highly important in wizarding culture."

Snape still seemed to have a stick up his ass, but Harry was happy that he was answering questions without making snarky remarks.

"So these old rites, why have I never heard of them?" Said Harry "I mean Professor Flitwick mentioned the four elements and that, but if this is so important why don't we learn it more at school? That feeling the magic thing is amazing. I think I can _still _feel it. I feel like my magic is stronger or something."

Narcissa Malfoy looked incredibly smug at Harry's line of questioning. "That is an excellent question Mr. Potter and Lucius has been arguing the same thing for years. In fact I think that is what first got him interested on being part of the board of governors. I think you will not like the true answer to that question."

Harry's mouth had fallen open when she had stated that he- _Harry Potter_- had anything in common at all with _Lucius Malfoy_. If he hadn't known any better he would swear that the funny look on Snape's face was him holding back a laugh.

"The true answer," Continued the Malfoy matriarch "is that more muggleborns than ever have been entering the Wizarding world and slowly they are effecting our customs. Take for example Christmas. No old wizarding family celebrates Christmas, we all know Jesus to be a relatively strange wizard. One of the most popular arguments in favor of the magical secrecy act, but I digress. Ancient Wizard families celebrate Imbolc. It involves a ceremony to revive nature from its slumber and give thanks. Until 40 years ago Hogwarts only Celebrated Imbolc, but professor Dumbldore changed the holiday due to the increase in Muggleborn students. Additionally, the school of course does not want students to feel excluded because those with muggle heritage are not able to do some of the old wizarding rites, so they do not teach it all together."

"Oh okay, I guess that makes sense then." Said Harry thinking it over. He could only imagine how bad it would be for Hermione to be going to classes that she would just never be able to use.

Narcissa Malfoy was not convinced. "Does it make sense, Mr. Potter? You yourself just said you felt more powerful, you have not even yet done any of the ancient magical rites simply followed old advice passed down from generations of wizards. Why should you not get full access to your magic because some students may not be able to do the same? Why should we re-work old ways that have been around for generations, with good reason, to accommodate new people into the community? I do not see much sense in that."

Harry bit his lip in consideration, but before he was able to say anything Snape jumped into the fray as well. "Imagine for a moment that the shoe was on the other foot. That some people from entirely different background went into a school in muggle Britain and decided that they should no longer celebrate Christmas. This person had decided that he liked Britian and wanted to live here, but that Christmas was not part of his/her culture and should no longer be a public holiday. What would be the reaction?"

Well how the hell was he supposed to answer that?! He knew that his Aunt Petunia would have been up in arms about it. But she was particularly fussy. Harry had heard her complain more than once about the large Indian population in Britain. And if what they were saying was all true, then what; they wanted to throw out all the muggleborns from school? Well he certainly didn't agree to that!

"So what, you want to get rid of all the muggleborns from school or from the wizarding world entirely?" Said Harry hotly.

Snape rolled his eyes at Harry's frustration. "Of course not, Potter. Think before you speak, we would not be firmly in Dumbledore's camp if that were the case. But I would hope that this would illustrate to you that these issues are not as black and white as you previously believed. It is important that you understand this as the war progresses."

Suddenly Harry remembered something Remus had said from when he first arrived at Grimmaund place: "_Voldemort used to hold conventions at the three broomsticks_". Voldemort was insane so the whole thing was entirely confusing. But Remus had said that he had started off as less crazy, more moderate and then gotten crazier as he gained support. Harry wondered if maybe this was exactly the kind of thing that Remus has been talking about. The whole thing gave him a headache and made him feel incredibly confused. Of course he supported muggleborns, but that feeling of his magic coursing through him had been amazing.

He shrugged at Snape, unsure how to vocalize his thoughts.

Mrs. Malfoy seemed to understand. "We are getting rather off topic. I am very pleased with your progress tonight. We will continue to work on you getting a feel for your magic and, when I am satisfied, we will begin work on your Occlumency shield."

She was standing by the time she finished talking and Snape followed along behind her. They said a polite good night and then they were gone. All that was left was Harry and his thoughts.

**Thanks for reading and please review! **


	6. Happy Birthday Harry

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I am just borrowing the characters for some fun.

Warning: **This chapter contains scenes of torture- If you want to skip them scroll past the ****_italicized_**** text.**This story will contain swearing, scenes of torture and sexual innuendo. Eventual Slash.

Summary: Nothing is going to plan. The order is three days late to pick him up and Lucius Malfoy has somehow managed to get out of Azkaban. Remus always wants to talk, but Harry can't bring himself to even think of what happened in June. It was time to face facts: Harry's life belongs to the cause and his own feelings don't matter. Begins after Order of the Phoenix. Eventual Slash.

**Chapter 6: Happy Birthday Harry**

Somehow, despite knowing that he would not be able to see his friends or leave Grimmauld Harry was excited for his Birthday. Remus had been asking him about meals and presents and plans all week. At first, he had not let this get to him, just being thankful that he could spend a birthday away from the Dursley's was enough. But on July 30 he just suddenly could not keep still. He had been so jumpy that he had even done some of his homework, potions of all things.

Remus had sent him to bed early with a sly suggestion that tomorrow would be a busy day. Sometime in the mid-afternoon he had disappeared for a few hours and Harry felt sure that the werewolf had some kind of plan up his sleeve. The reasonable part of his mind told himself not to get his hopes up, Remus had other things to do then to plan a birthday party. But a tiny voice at the back of his mind kept saying that there was nothing that Remus would rather do then plan him a great party.

Unfortunately, he was just not able to fall asleep. It had gone midnight and his presents from his friends had not arrived like normal, but maybe they assumed that they could send them later because he was not at the Dursley's. His mind just refused to stop thinking. He had gone to get water three times and now he refused to let himself get up again.

Harry rolled onto his side to get more comfortable. He flipped his pillow over so it would be fluffier and ordered himself not to move until morning. He shut his eyes and slowly worked to clear his mind. Last year he would never have been able to do it, but with all his meditation training he fell into a relaxed state more quickly then he thought possible.

_He was standing in front of a sea of his most faithful followers dressed in their black Death Eater robes. Their masked faces looked at him in adoration ready for their next set of instructions. At the front of the crowd were 6 youths clearly out of place. A few of them tried to look confident but he could feel their fear from where he was. _

_Harry felt Voldemort's pleasure at how scared they were. The Snaky git was excited for the events to come. With a start he realised that he recognised a couple of the faces of students that had graduated that past year. To his surprise, he placed at least one of the boys in Ravenclaw and a girl from Hufflepuff. A third looked slightly familiar, but he couldn't remember his house. _

_Voldemort smiled at their discomfort and motioned for Lucius to move forward. "Bring out the Muggles. I wish to have some entertainment." _

_One of the boys shifted his feet and looked around, as if looking for a way out. Harry yelled at himself to wake up or move. He needed to get out of Voldemort's head! He wasn't sure how he had even ended up there, as Voldemort seemed to have no idea that Harry was watching. He could hear the Dark Lord observing the boy and thinking that he was one to watch. Soon he would know if he was to be trusted or disposed of. _

_Lucius Malfoy came back, levitating in the Muggles. There was an assortment of 6 men and women, one for each new recruit. The muggles were all under petrifictus of course. Lucius dropped them roughly directly in from of him. _

_He looked hard at the new recruits. "As some of you may know today is Harry Potters Birthday, I thought it fitting to welcome in my most promising new recruits this evening. Tonight is an opportunity for you to demonstrate to us your honor and commitment to the cause. You all are here because you have seen the injustice of the current government and the disgusting disposal of the ancient ways. Only once I am satisfied with your loyalty to the cause will you have the pleasure of truly calling yourself a Death Eater and baring my mark. These are your muggles to do with as you please. There is one for each of you. Do not disappoint me. Show them that they are nothing but insects compared to the power of your wand." Voldemort assessed his new recruits, and motioned to the one that had looked nervous just a moment ago. "You go first." _

_The boy stepped forward tentatively. His eyes were darting all around and his left hand gripped the fabric at his right elbow. Bellatrix cackled and kicked a young muggle woman forward as the first victim. Under petifictus her body rolled a couple of times and stopped at the feet of the boy. Harry held his breath and wished that he could shut his eyes. It was absolute silence among the group. The boy stared down at the woman unable to move. _

_Twisting his lip in distaste Voldemort flicked his wand to remove the petifictus from the woman. "What's wrong? Do you prefer to feel them struggle?"_

_The muggle woman was instantly on her knee's begging them not to hurt her. Rambling about her mom and dad and life aspirations. The whole display was disgusting. Harry tried to distance himself from the thoughts of the creature he occupied, but found it increasingly difficult. _

_Wake up! Wake up Wake up! _

_The boy still failed to move. He seemed frozen in front of them all. _

_Finally Voldemort grew bored. "Avada Kedavra." The boy fell to the ground and the muggle woman began to cry. "I do not take kindly to those that show weakness. I only accept strong wizards into my circle. I trust that I will not be disappointed by the rest of you." _

_A young girl, barely 18, stepped forward next without prompting. Her eyes were hard and she looked at the body of the boy that had gone before her in disgust before demanding that the muggle woman shut up. Without waiting for a response she aimed a beautiful stinging hex at the muggles eye. _

_Harry recoiled. And tried frantically to get into his meditative state, but it was impossible to relax himself. _

_As Voldemort watched the display unfold he grew increasingly proud. This one looked like she had merit. Perhaps in several years she could rival even Bellatrix in viciousness. The muggle was naked and begging for her life, but the new recruit showed no mercy aiming spell after spell for maximum effectiveness. _

_After 15 minutes he grew restless. "Enough. I have other tasks to complete tonight. Finish it." _

_The girl smiled at her victory and the green light raced towards the muggle finally ending the noise of the crying. Harry felt his mind go blank with the weight of panic, instead of calm. _

_"__You, next." _

_Voldemort watching in satisfaction as the rest of his new recruits completed their task without hesitation. Some showed remarkable creativity. When the last muggle was dead he stood and walked towards his newest Death Eaters, not caring that he accidently stepped on a body as he made his way forward. "You have made the wizarding world proud tonight and earned your place as a member of my circle. I feel sure that I can trust you all to do my bidding and uphold the sanctity of wizarding traditions. Put out your arm, you have earned the right to have my mark. Severus, the potion."_

_The potions master walked forward with six vials of potion. Unfortunately, now one of them would not be used, but no matter, they would find someone else for it. Snape opened the first vial carefully and handed it to his master. Smiling Voldemort spit into the vial and poured its contents onto the first new recruit. She screamed in agony as her arm bubbled and melted in front of her eyes. Voldemort tisked. "Worry not. Your skin will grow back more beautiful than ever baring the mark of your master." _

_Oh god. Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! _

_He saw fear in the eyes of the next boy, but he did not shy away from the potion. Soon the whimpers and screams of the new Death Eaters filled the night air. Excitement filled his stomach. Soon he would have such an army that Dumbledore would be unable to stop him. There were always those who saw the righteousness of his cause. _

_"__Welcome to our circle. I will call on you in a few days, be ready." He turned to the rest of his Death Eaters "Go now, there is much work yet to be done!" _

Harry woke with a start and leaned over to retch beside his bed again. He couldn't get his hands to stop shaking and his heart was beating a mile a minute. All those pour muggles…

He reached for his wand and felt the reassuring presence of the wood in his palm. He needed to calm down, but his breathing was only getting faster.

"Get a grip. Voldemort didn't know you were there and you are safe here." Harry said to himself. He figured it was a bit mental to talk to himself, but hearing the words aloud made him feel steadier. He refused to go to bits and sit in the closet like he had last time.

Rubbing his wand for reassurance Harry walked into the bathroom and rinsed out is mouth. He couldn't bare to shut the door, so he left it open and watched the hall from the mirror. He grabbed some toilet paper to wipe up the mess he had made in the bedroom. From the bathroom he darted back into his bedroom and worked quickly to clean up the sick. He didn't like having to bend down and put his back to the door.

He looked around the room and realised that sleep was just not in the cards for tonight. He grabbed his Occlumency book off his bedside table, and decided he would go down to the kitchen for a snack. He had of course finished reading it, but suddenly the urgency to learn Occlumency was back and he was will to study until his eyes fell out if he had to. He could light a fire, study his book and eat until Remus work up. He glanced at the clock on his bedside table and realised that wouldn't be for a while yet, it had only just gone 3am.

The corridors in Grimmauld place seemed oppressive at night. The house elf heads seemed particularly creepy without any lights. Thankfully the picture of Ms. Black was firmly covered. Harry really did not want to bother Remus with all this.

He started when he got half way down the stairs and realised that there were noises coming from the kitchen. Maybe Remus was up? Or maybe…Harry tightened his grip on his wand and shifted the book to his left hand.

He crept as quietly as he could down the stairs and peeked into the kitchen. To his surprise, it was not Remus but Lucius Malfoy who was clunking around in the kitchen. He was opening and closing cupboard doors while cursing under his breath. It was the most un-composed that Harry had ever seen the Malfoy patriarch.

Unsure what to do he hovered in the door watching the doors open and shut. He didn't like the idea of Malfoy wandering around Grimmauld place while he and Remus were asleep, but he couldn't very well hex him if everyone was so convinced he was on their side. Nevermind that he had just seen him carry six muggles to their death. Indeed it looked as if Malfoy had come straight from the Death Eater meeting to Grimmauld place. He still had his black robes on and an ugly mask dangled off the back of his cloak.

"Potter are you going to stand there all night or is there something you wanted?" Snarked the aristocratic voice, he did not pause in his examinations of the cupboard. "I have had a difficult night and am not in the mood to be bothered."

Harry stepped truly into the kitchen, making it obvious that he had his wand at the ready. "What are you looking for?"

"I am trying to find where that damn wolf keeps his strongest Firewhiskey." Malfoy glanced at Harry "as I said I have had a trying night."

A lock of blond hair had fallen in his face and he did look rough around the edges.

"Don't call him that." Said Harry without heat, he was far to strung out for any real anger. "Check on in the top cupboard on the right, behind the serving platters."

Malfoy followed his directions and soon was pulling down an almost full bottle of fine aged Firewhiskey. He gave Harry a significant look for directing him with such accuracy, but said nothing. He opened another cupboard and pulled down a glass.

Harry was still standing near the door and watching him curiously. "I suppose leading 6 muggles to their death does count as a trying night." Said Harry trying (and failing) to be nonchalant.

Lucius Malfoy gave him another significant look and the pulled down a second glass from the top cupboard. He began to pour the Firewhiskey. "Is my family in danger Mr. Potter?"

This time Harry knew exactly what he was asking. He wanted to know if Voldemort had looked through Harry's mind. "No. He didn't even know I was watching. _Lucky you_."

Nodding Malfoy picked up the glasses and moved toward the kitchen table. He fell gracefully into a seat. "Have you ever had Firewhiskey, Potter?"

One of the glasses was elegantly pushed down the table to stop right in front of a chair that was as far away from Malfoy as you could get.

Harry shook his head.

"Well," said the Death Eater "You turn 16 tonight, and it has been a rather trying night, no better time than the present."

Harry contemplated his options. He could simply go back upstairs and either try to fall asleep again or study. He could tell Malfoy to shove off and start a fight. Or he could have his first Firewhiskey. Making a snap decision that surprised himself he sat down and took a sip. It burned on the way down and he immediately started to cough. There was no mystery why they called it FIRE whiskey.

Malfoy chuckled a bit. "Take a second sip. It gets better the more you drink."

The blond was already half finished his drink, Harry noted. He brought the glass to his lips and took another sip. He still coughed a bit, but not as hard. The heat of the drink was slowly spreading outwards and he felt warm.

Malfoy was looking at him contemplatively again. "How much did you see, Mr. Potter?"

He took a third sip and cleared his throat. "Most of it I guess. He was making some barmy speech about 'demonstrating their loyalty' when I arrived." He paused, thinking if he really dared to say more. "That whole potion to get the dark mark, that looks…painful. I always knew he was a vicious bastard, but I figured he was a bit nicer to his followers."

"The Dark Lord does not do nice. For anyone." Said Malfoy, downing the rest of his Firewhiskey. He turned to get the rest of the bottle off the counter and pour himself another drink. "That process is actually significantly cleaner than in the early days. Severus has perfected the potion for maximum efficiency. In the early 70's the process was much more…rough."

Harry thought of the screams of the newest Death Eaters and shivered at the thought of the process being worse than that. "Merlin. Why would anybody join that madman? I just don't get it."

Malfoy Senior poured himself a rather large glass. "There are a number of reasons: Some believe in the cause, some feel familiar pressure, some want power, some fear what would happen if they don't join, some simply like hurting those weaker than them, the list goes on."

"Why did you join?" Perhaps the liquid courage was starting to have an effect.

"When I was fifteen I convinced my father to let me go with him to one of the Dark Lords gatherings at the three broomsticks." Began Malfoy, sounding far off. Harry knew that if he had not downed a glass of Firewhiskey he never would have revealed this. Then again, without the alcohol Harry would have never asked. "My father was always involved in Politics, and was always talking about his concern about the abandonment of the old ways. I am not sure of what you know of Voldemort's early years, but he was much more…approachable back then. He did not look as he does now, and he had a charisma that was palpable. I met many other witches and Wizards who shared our views on the importance that our culture be preserved at all costs. There was not real talk of violence. Voldemort wished to gain power through legitimate channels and most of the conference was political discussion. "

"I went to as many conference's as I could in the next few years. My parents were delighted in the interest I held for the future of our people. When I graduated I went right to his Lord and asked to take on a more hands on approach for the cause. By this time people were getting angry. We were being blocked by Dumbledore at every turn to get into legitimate channels. Some of us younger followers became enraged at the injustice, so we started to take actions into our own hands. The Dark Lord helped us plan, and we started doing small raids. Nothing overly violent, just extreme pranks. To send a message that we were not to be dissuaded. The ministry did not take kindly to our efforts and began to hunt us down as criminals. It was then that things… escalated. Most of the supporters were from the oldest families in Wizarding Society and there was outrage that our opinions could so easily discarded and our youth reprimanded by the Auror's under ministry sanctions."

Lucius Malfoy sighed as if remembering something very painful and Harry realised that he was leaning forward. He had never heard an account of the rise of Voldemort.

"Of course," Continued Malfoy "That is when the Death Eaters as you know them were born. We researched ancient ways, light and dark magic, to further our cause. Raids increased and paranoia around mounting arrests led to the invent of a mark that would show who was most loyal. At the center of it all was the Dark Lord. Strong and optimistic that we would vanquish those that did not have the power of the ancient rites. He was convinced that we would never be able to take power through legitimate means and needed now to over throw the ministry. And well…I suppose that you know the rest."

Silence reigned in the kitchen and both occupants took long drinks from their glasses. The extreme bizarreness of the situation was starting to dawn on Harry, but the lovely warmth from his drink was clouding his ability to think it through.

"Well he's a sick bastard." Said Harry, choosing not to comment on what had just been disclosed to him. "All that torture, you know that he enjoys it right? I feel his absolute delight every time."

The sixteen year old downed the rest of his glass and Malfoy picked up the bottle to offer him another drink. Harry noticed that Malfoy poured him a significantly smaller glass then he had poured himself.

"The Dark Lord has been particularly unhinged since his return." Said the blond "He was always vicious when it came to the cause, but recently he seems more concerned with asserting his own power than any of the ideals he used to promote. It is one of the reasons we absconded."

"I'm fucked aren't I?" Said Harry dejectedly. "I mean he's ancient and has all this fucked up dark magic to draw on. Not to mention that he'll probably make me go bloody mental before he catches me and takes his bloody time killing me."

"And yet he is terrified of you." Said Malfoy, not in the least bit concerned that the icon for the light seemed to be having a break down. "You have always been particularly lucky when it came to the Dark Lord, Potter, I would not rule you out."

Harry sneered. "He's got dark magic, and followers willing to do anything for him, and a great creepy Snake. And what have I got? Some luck, a scar and a headmaster that doesn't even take the time to talk to me. He is _unhinged_ if he is scared of me."

"The headmaster is not training you?" Malfoy seemed surprised.

"He can't even look me in the bloody eye." Gripped Harry "If he thinks I am sorry for destroying all that crap in his office he can think again. He deserved it."

Malfoy merely looked amused, someone had obviously told him about all the magical artefacts that Harry had destroyed last year. Probably Snape had. Harry could just imagine him _Oh you know Potter and his tantrums, the brat ruined half of the headmasters office. I submit that he should be scrubbing Caldrons for a year-with a toothbrush. _

Suddenly Harry had an idea. "Will you train me?"

Malfoy's eyebrows went halfway up his forehead. "Potter, you have clearly had too much Firewhiskey."

Harry shook his head. "Who better to train me to fight Death Eaters then a Death Eater? Dumbledore won't teach me and _I know_ that you know a bunch of nasty curses I could use. I mean just a few years ago you gave away Voldemort's Diary to Ginny; that must mean that you know something I could use against him."

"The Ministry was doing raids and I had no idea what- I assumed that stupid girl would simply get rid of that diary. I simply wanted to continue living my life in peace, without the ministry invading my privacy." The Malfoy patriarch collected himself. "That is neither here nor there. I certainly have many techniques I could show you. Does this mean you have decided to trust us? My wife tells me you take well to her classes."

Harry glared at him. "I don't trust you as far as my nose."

"Well then," He said condescendingly "Your first lesson in defense is to never get inebriated with someone you do not trust with your life."

Malfoy produced 2 vials from his pocket and threw one to Harry. Despite his normally good reflexes Harry missed and had to pick it up from the ground. Luckily it looked like it had an anti-break charm on it. Malfoy downed his vial and sighed. "Drink, Mr. Potter, it will sober you up. No doubt the Wolf will not be happy to learn you have been drinking."

Harry put the vial on the table. "No way am I drinking something that you gave me."

"That is a bit hypocritical even for you, Mr. Potter." Deadpanned Malfoy looking at the glass of mostly gone Firewhiskey on the table. "Do as you wish. I have to be home before Narcissa gets worried and the guests in my house become suspicious. I will be in touch concerning defensive lessons."

Harry sat on the chair in the kitchen, trying to get his sluggish brain to work, as he heard the noise of the Floo from the other room.

**HPHPHP**

Remus looked disappointed when he came down to the kitchen at 6:30 am and Harry was already sitting at the table.

"I had hoped you'd have a lie in. I have a special breakfast all planned." The Marauder went right into the pantry and started to pull out food. "I got croissants from the bakery in Diagon ally and the Jelly from a specialty store. Of course I also have all the ingredients for a full English or crepes if you prefer."

Harry tried to clear his head. He had not moved except to pick up his book since Malfoy had left. "Anything is fine with me."

Remus paused and turned to look at his charge more closely. "Harry did you get _any_ sleep last night? You look positively knackered. Wait. _Have you been drinking_?"

"Yes well Voldemort was so happy to recruit new Death Eaters on my birthday, and then Malfoy was here and offering me a drink and now I have defense training." Said Harry in a rush.

Remus brought his hand to his head and seemed to pray for patience. "I don't understand a word you just said. First pepper up, then a sobering up potion then you will tell me what the hell happened last night."

He was marched unceremoniously to the upstairs bathroom, where Remus plied him with potions. He could still feel the vial of sober potion that Lucius Malfoy had given him in his pocket, but Harry had not dared to drink it. Luckily, it seemed that Remus also liked to keep some on hand too. And then he was escorted back to down to the kitchen to recount the events of the night before. Harry glossed over the details of the vision, ranted about how weird Malfoy was and finished with his ridiculous request for defense lessons.

"I have to get out of it." Whined Harry "I was definitely too drunk to know what I was saying. He can't hold me to that."

Remus was looking at Harry as if he hardly knew him at all, or maybe like he was just realising that he hardly knew him at all. He seemed to be trying to figure out what to address first. Harry could almost see his mind debating between concern over the vision, anger over the drinking and downright confusion over the issue of Lucius Malfoy. Finally he seemed to settle. "I actually think that some defensive training is a good idea. And drunk or not, you are right that Malfoy can definitely show you some moves. If you are worried about being alone with him myself or Severus can sit in on the lessons."

"Snape will positively explode if he has to come to defense lessons and Occlumency lessons." Said Harry, surprised that he wasn't being reprimanded for drinking.

"I am more than willing to sit in to make you feel comfortable and offer any help as needed." Remus stood and placed the firewhiskey back in the cabinet. "I am not going to get on your case with the Firewhiskey because I understand there were extenuating circumstances, but I want you to know that I have put a charm on the lid of the Firewhiskey and if you try and open it again I will be notified."

Harry nodded, pretty surprised at how lightly he had gotten off. He sighed. "I am so sick of having all these stupid problems. It's still my birthday, right? Are you still willing to make that full English?"

"Of course." Said Remus, sounding exasperated. Harry swore that he could hear him mutter 'changes moods faster than I can say nox' But for all his minders apparent confusion, within 30 minutes they were sitting down to one of the best breakfasts that Harry had ever had. Certainly the best breakfast he had ever eaten on his birthday. The werewolf set up the small pile of gifts from his friends on one side of the table and a veritable feast took up the rest of the space.

He was eying his presents curiously, and Remus motioned for him to open them as they ate. Hermione had given him a box of specialty chocolates and a funny looking card came. Ron had sent him a wizarding clock that pointed to what he should be doing rather than times. Harry and Remus laughed when they realised it kept going between free time and breakfast. The twins had packed him a bag full of pranks, each with a hand written note of exactly what it did. Ginny gifted him with a quill that never would need to be sharpened. Mrs. Weasley had also sent along a beautiful knitted blanket that had his name on it. Of course, Hagrid had sent a letter and a box of his infamous Rock cakes.

Eventually there were only two presents left. One was rather large and lumpy, the other sleek and small. Remus picked up the small one. "You should open this present next."

Harry examined it carefully. Written in small camped writing on a bit of parchment stuck to the side it said 'I hope this helps you in the coming year. Remus.' He took more time to open this present then the others and the paper gave way to reveal a small box. Inside he found a quiet snitch waiting for him to play with it. "No way! Thanks Remus this is awesome."

The werewolf smiled widely. "It's not a game accepted Snitch, but it will help you practice. You can adjust difficulty or even control positioning so that you can practice different moves."

"Wicked!" Said Harry, thinking of all the times he had practiced the Wronski Feint without any snitch to catch on the way down.

He looked at the last present in confusion. He couldn't imagine who it would be from. He had already opened a present from everyone he normally got a gift from. He picked it up tentatively and noticed that Remus seemed to be holding his breath.

The note on the paper read 'Sirius would want you to have this.' Harry stilled. He tried to steady himself. He didn't want to cry. The paper was bits from the Daily Prophet and seemed to fall off the gift. Soon Harry was holding up a worn leather jacket. He remembered all the pictures he had seen of a young Sirius and instantly recognised it. Written in a sloppy boyish hand on the tag at the back was 'Padfoot'.

"It was Sirius's favorite jacket." Said Remus quietly "It was the first thing he bought when he ran away from home, from a muggle store no less. He wore it all the time. I thought you should have it."

Harry had been at Grimmauld place most of the summer, but he had not once talked to Remus about Sirius, nor had he ever ventured into the room that Sirius had used last year. He had pushed the feelings down and tried to convince himself he didn't care, but as he touched the jacket he found he couldn't hold back the tears, Remus came around the table and sat next to him as he cried. He felt an arm come around him and a steadying presence pull him in.

He wasn't sure how long they sat like that, but when Harry finally looked up he had no more tears left in him. Remus didn't comment on how bad he must have looked, he just smiled sadly. "You should try it on."

Harry felt himself stand and throw on the leather jacket. It was a bit big, but it felt right.

"Do you want me to shrink it to fit better?" Asked the werewolf

"No. I like it like this."

Remus nodded and began busying himself collecting dishes and picking up bits of wrapping paper. "Go get dressed Harry. I am personally going to ensure that you are going to have the best birthday of your life."

Harry didn't doubt him for a second.

**I will not be able to update next week because I will be out of town. The next update will be on the 16th or the 17th of June- Sorry for the delay! Thanks for reading and please review!**


	7. Somebody that I used to know

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I am just borrowing the characters for some fun.

Warning: This story will contain swearing, scenes of torture and sexual innuendo. Eventual Slash.

Summary: Nothing is going to plan. The order is three days late to pick him up and Lucius Malfoy has somehow managed to get out of Azkaban. Remus always wants to talk, but Harry can't bring himself to even think of what happened in June. It was time to face facts: Harry's life belongs to the cause and his own feelings don't matter. Begins after Order of the Phoenix. Eventual Slash.

Chapter 7: Somebody that I used to know

Remus did not disappoint Harry in his promise for an amazing 16th birthday. They spent the morning playing the new card game that Hermione had given him, laughing at all the answers they made up. Then Remus charmed his new Snitch and they race each other around the living room trying to catch it. By the time they were done the room looked like a hurricane had come through. Cushions from the couch were thrown about and a few tchotchke's were broken. Lunch had been another veritable feast, followed by reminiscing and another round of cards.

It had been the best birthday that Harry had ever had. Normally he was still at the Dursley's, and they had never bothered themselves with trying to make the day nice. In fact, if Harry was not sure that his Aunt had used his birthday to fill in some paperwork he would have thought that she didn't know when it was. But Remus seemed to be on a mission to make Harry smile. The Werewolf was going out of his way to act silly at any moment and distract him from his vision that morning.

Dinner was the piece-de-resistance. Remus seemed to have channelled all his energy into preparing a lovely steak and potatoes dinner. For desert he pulled out an ice cream cake that looked delicious. On the top, in bright Gryffindor red icing, was written _Happy Birthday Harry_.

Harry had a sudden flashback to the first cake he had ever received from Hagrid, with the green icing and the horrible spelling. It was one of most vivid memories of his life and he still remembered the wonder of his eleventh Birthday. Learning he was a wizard had certainly complicated his life, but he would take all the complications in the world over living a life without magic. For everything difficult in the wizarding world was something more amazing. When he looked back to his old life, it was like looking at a black and white movie.

Remus seemed tentative. "It's an ice cream cake. I'm not terribly good at baking, so I got it done at the local shop in town."

"It's perfect." Said Harry, Smiling enthusiastically.

"Well then blow out the candles already! Before it melts!" Said Remus, all smiles too. "Or did you not do that growing up?"

Harry shook his head. Of course _he_ had never done that growing up, but not for the reasons that Remus thought. "Muggles do that too Remus."

"Then make a wish already!"

Harry searched his mind for a good wish, there were so many things he wanted. Feeling like a giddy child, he blew out all 16 candles at once. _I wish for more days like this. _

The cake was delicious. Inside it had a layer of caramel and fudge. Harry had 2 slices and strongly considered having a third, but figured that would be glutinous. Just as he was finishing his cake, the noise of a throat clearing came from the doorway.

"Good evening Severus." Said Remus, looking like he was carefully controlling the smile on his face. "Would you like some cake?"

Harry turned to see the potions master blocking the doorway and he did not look happy. Suddenly Harry realised that he had an Occlumency lesson today. He hadn't even thought of canceling, thinking that there would be no real celebration.

"Certainly not." Sneered Snape, looking at the cake like it was something disgusting. "I am simply here to collect Potter for his lesson, which he obviously forgot about."

Harry sneaked a look at the clock and realised that it was quarter after 8. Oops.

Remus looked like he was trying very hard not to let his mood be dampened by Snape's scowl. "Go easy on him, Severus. It is only fifteen minutes, and it's his birthday after all."

The potions Master snorted. "We are at war. The rest of you might be inclined to give the boy cake and firewhiskey and whatever other foolishness you indulged in today, but I am much more interested in making sure that the boy does not wake up to terrors from the Dark Lord. He does not have the luxury to take a day off."

Harry's face burned, with rage or embarrassment he wasn't sure which. Part of him wanted to yell 'was it such a crime to have a lovely day?' but the other more rational part of him knew that Snape was right. If anything after last night he should be more concentrated than ever to learn Occlumency. His birthday had never been anything special, so why bother starting now?

Remus, on the other hand did not seem at all conflicted about what to say. "He is a child, and he has the right to a normal life. It is not his job to rid the world of you-know-who."

Snape rolled his eyes. "I would not trust Potter with such an important task as riding the world of the Dark Lord. Like it or not, with him running around in Potters head he does not have time for trivialities." He turned on his heal. "Potter if you would like your Occlumency lessons to continue I would be in the dining room in the next 30 seconds."

Harry gave a pleading look to Remus and then rushed after his potions teacher. There was no way he was going to screw up and get kicked out of classes just as he was starting to make progress.

As expected, Narcissa Malfoy and Snape were waiting for him on the settee in the ladies dining room. They had already conjured tea and Malfoy was nibbling on a biscuit.

"I'm sorry I'm late." Said Harry rushing into the room.

Mrs. Malfoy stopped what she was doing and gave him a long contemplative look.

Feeling self-conscious Harry kept talking. "I didn't mean to be late. Time just ran away from me."

Snape snorted, but held his tongue. He had made his sentiments clear in the other room and appeared to be waiting for his companion to speak.

The Malfoy Matriarch shook her head as if trying to dislodge a stray thought. "It's quite alright Mr. Potter. Just seeing you in that jacket, in this house…it brought back memories."

Harry looked down at the leather jacket he was still wearing. He liked it. It made him feel closer to Sirius. He didn't like her talking about his godfather though, her sister had been the one to kill him. "Don't talk about him like you were close, I know you don't care that he's dead. No use pretending."

Naricassa Malfoy pursed her lips. "We were not particularly close later in life; that is true. But before Hogwarts, we did spend quite a bit of time together. We are-were cousins after all."

Harry had never thought of Sirius's relationship with his cousins. It made him uncomfortable to think about it. It was much easier to think of Bellatrix as a crazy woman, then someone his godfather had celebrated holidays with as a child. The woman in front of him seemed so unlike his godfather too. She was all tight lips and manners and elegance. Sirius had been all roughness and mischief and fun. For just a moment, Harry wondered what it must have been like for Narcissa Malfoy to learn that her sister had killed her cousin. He felt a twisting in his gut. Maybe that is what had made her come to Dumbledore's side?

But then Harry was not truly ready to admit that the Malfoys had changed sides. A little logical part of his brain told him that he was being stubborn, but he brushed it aside.

Outwardly all he did was cross his arms and shrug. For the first time in his recollection, Mrs. Malfoy averted her eyes from his stare.

Snape seemed to have no problem interrupting the awkward moment. "Enough of this. We have important things to get to. Potter, I heard you saw the initiation of the new recruits last night?"

Harry nodded. "Yeah, but Voldemort didn't know I was there."

"Good." Said Snape, for once looking satisfied by something Harry said. "I think it is time that we progressed further in your training. Today I would like to attempt Legilimency on you again."

Narcissa Malfoy seemed to be coming out of whatever memory she had been lost in. She nodded at Snape's suggestion. "Yes, but only under very specific circumstances. First I would like you to meditate and feel your magic, only then will Severus attempt Legilimency on you."

Harry nodded and sat down on the ground to get into his meditative position. At least he knew they he couldn't fall on the ground. He closed his eyes and got started on clearing him mind. What had been so difficult only two weeks ago, was easy now. It still took him a bit of time to reach out and feel his magic, but he was getting faster every day. Within 15 minutes he could feel the pulse of his magic running through him. It was still as exhilarating as it had been the first time.

He sat like that, for he didn't know how long. Harry didn't dare open his eyes to see if Snape was getting ready to legitimize him- it might ruin his concentration. It was harder than normal to stay focused, knowing that any minute his teacher would try and break into his mind.

Suddenly he felt a strange pressure in his head. It was pushing into him and moving around, as if looking for something. He felt his magic rise up to defend him and move towards intrusion. And just as it all began it stopped. Harry's mind was his own again.

He opened his eyes tentatively, worried about what Snape would say. He always seemed to find something wrong with Harry.

To his surprise Snape looked mildly content, well for Snape. "It appears you were right, Narcissa. Potter cleared his mind successfully."

Harry almost jumped for joy. If_ Snape_ was saying he did something right, he must have fucking mastered it. "So I can do Occlumency? That's it?"

The mildly contented look on Snape's face disappeared. "We have barely even started." He hissed "You have managed to clear your mind and bring forth your magic; that is the first step. Next you must build a shield that can defend you from an attack, and then finally you must maintain it at all times. This is a difficult and complex art, something you will not master in a matter of two weeks."

"Now, now, Severus let the boy have his moment." Said Malfoy, looking rather pleased. "_My _course of instruction seems to be going rather well."

Harry almost snorted. It almost seemed like Malfoy was rubbing it in Snape's face that he had needed her help.

"The boy is too cocky. He needs to understand the trials that face him as we progress in his lesson." Snapped Snape.

"The boy is right here, thanks." Said Harry, feeling a rush of confidence. He had done it! He had _cleared his mind_! He didn't care what Snape said, this was clearly something to be excited about. "When can you start showing me how to make a shield? Can we start tonight?"

Mrs. Malfoy looked at the potions master pointedly before answering. "I think it would be best to start tonight. The more quickly you master Occlumency, the more quickly you will be free of his visions."

"This is when the real work starts." Said Snape. "No more calm Meditation sessions. I will be attempting to break through your barriers every evening."

Harry nodded. He had always known that at some point they would go back to Snape trying to break into his mind. "How do I start? Do I just need to keep mediating? Because I don't think I will ever be able to do that all the time…it kinda makes me space out."

"You do not need to stay in a meditative state all the time to accomplish Occlumency, I doubt anyone would be able to do that." Said Malfoy. "Meditation simply makes it easier to build an Occlumency shield, which is why it is a good starting point. For the moment I would like you to get back into your meditative state, and I will guide you from there."

Harry spent the next 15 minutes settling back down into his meditation. It was hard because he was so excited that he had finally done something right in his Occlumency lessons. Finally he managed it and he was once again relaxing, his magic flowing about him. Somehow, Mrs. Malfoy always seemed to know when Harry had settled and she started to direct him.

"Feel that magic stronger than ever. You can feel it flowing all over, but right now it has no purpose." Her voice was soft and calming. "Attempt to bring it into order. Tell it to surround you and protect you. Some people like to picture the strong walls of castle surrounding them, and then the magic pouring into it to intensify the strength."

Harry could of course feel the magic flowing around him, but bringing it under his control was another thing entirely. Feeling his own power was one of his favorite things about meditation, but he supposed that controlling it would be much harder. At first he gave it a mental push. But that was like pushing on air. The magic just swirled around him and kept going wherever it wanted to go. Abandoning that he started to picture the strong walls that Mrs. Malfoy had described. Subconsciously he started to build the walls of Hogwarts to protect him. Hogwarts had always been his real home, so it seemed right that its gates would also hold the inner mysteries of his mind.

In his mind's eye, He could clearly see his wall. Unfortunately is magic was not at all interested in being told what to do. He shoved at it mentally, and when it didn't respond he started to get annoyed. Feeling like a failure, Harry hurriedly attempted to get back into the calm state he had had moments before. He calmed, and his magic responded by calming with him and moving more slowly. Feeling a sudden idea, He began more gently coaxing his magic to where he needed it. Slowly, the magical energy started to respond. The strong walls of Hogwarts that he could picture in his mind started to look more solid and a good portion of his magic came to circle his head.

He had only had the Occlumency shield up for a few moments before something pushed on it and shattered it. Harry could swear that he heard an audible crack. His beautiful Hogwarts wall came crashing down and memories whipped by. _Sirius cleaning last summer- Ron and Hermione playing chess- Hedwig bringing a letter- Remus teaching during third year- Sirius- _

Abruptly the presence was gone.

"Miracles do happen." Sneered Snape "Potter had an Occlumency shield. Of course it was pathetically easy to break through, but I suppose I should be happy at any progress."

Well, the presence was gone from his mind…it was too much to ask for Snape to have disappeared altogether.

Harry groaned. If possible his head hurt more than the last time they had had Snape Legitimize him a few weeks ago. He noticed that he had actually fallen over from his seated position and moved to right himself. The world swerved and his head pounded more.

"Don't move Mr. Potter." Came a soft woman's voice. "We will get you something for your head. It can be quite painful to have a shield broken."

A calloused hand with long fingers shoved a vial into his hand. Snape. Trying not to overthink it, and really feeling like death would be preferable to the pounding in his head, Harry downed the potion.

Luckily, he did not collapse dead and his head even started to hurt less. "What was that? It's never hurt like that before."

"That is what happens when your mind's shields have been broken." Snape seemed to be eying him contemplatively. When Harry sat up he continued. "Previously, you were letting anyone just walk into your mind with nothing in place to defend you. Now I have to break down your shield to enter your mind, a task that is currently very easy."

"Well, at least I have a shield now!" said Harry grumpily.

"Small wonders." But for all his bite Snape had an almost pleased look on his face. "We will concentrate on getting you to strengthen your shields for the next few weeks."

"Great, so it will probably hurt even more when you rip them down."

"That is the general idea." Said Snape. "Ideally, one day I will not be able to invade your mind. But I am still unsure if that day will come."

"_You _may not be able to teach the boy anything Severus, but _I_ seem to be having much success." Said Narcissa, already sitting elegantly on the couch. "I would not count Mr. Potter out yet."

Snape rolled his eyes and sat down next to her. "The lesson is done for the evening, Potter, but we have one more thing to discuss before we leave."

Harry sighed and began to move to get up. Apparently it was not enough to crash his birthday party and break his shields, they had something else to _discuss_. But even Snape could not make him feel bad about finally being able to create an Occlumency shield. He had done it! Finally! He was not too incapable or too stupid or too weak. For the first time in a long time he felt like maybe he was doing something right.

But then that inner voice, the one that always caught him at his happiest pulled him back. He was capable of doing occlumency, so if he had only worked harder in June then maybe…

Snape was talking again and Harry tried to tune back in. "I spoke with Lucius about your rather eventful night. And he told me some very interesting things about your current training. I was very surprised to hear that you asked Lucius for help. It seems that you have more sense when you are drunk then you normally do."

"Well…I…" Harry crossed his arms defensively. "It's not as if this past year in defense was actually useful at all, so I figured I could do with some extra training."

"Indeed." Said Snape. "I quite agree, you need to be trained to fight. Like it or not Potter you are going to have to know how."

Harry nodded mutely, stunned that Snape had agreed with him and admitted it. As much as he hated Snape, Harry had always known that he was someone he could count on to give it to him straight. He never sugar coated any of Harry's problems like some other members of the order. Remus had seemed very sad about Harry wanting to learn to fight, and had made some lovely delusional speech about he not having to be in the war but he knew that that was just not possible. And really, maybe before that would have been an option, but after Sirius death…well there was no way he was about to walk away now.

"Now that you have mastered the Occlumency shield it is a matter of strengthening it, as Severus already explained." Said Narcissa "That is not something you necessarily need help with. Every person's Occlumency shield is highly personal, and you will need to practice simply holding it up. Therefore I think that we can scale back our lessons to every other day. You should practice holding up your shield every night," At this she looked at him sternly. "But you no longer need my guidance to do so."

Snape nodded and picked up where she left off. "We have devised a clever excuse for the Dark Lord explaining why we are always absent at this particular time, and it would be very risky to come up with another such excuse. However, reducing the Occlumency lessons allows us to do defense on evenings that you are not practicing Occlumency. Lucius and I will be doing your Defense lessons."

"Alright." Said Harry, kissing his summer goodbye. 2 extra classes over summer break… and he could only blame himself because he had asked for them.

Narcissa Malfoy was looking as him in a funny way again. Snape was looking supremely satisfied. "Very well then. I will see you for defense tomorrow evening."

Without sparing a glance Snape was striding towards the fireplace and had disappeared.

Mrs. Malfoy was standing again. "Good evening Mr. Potter."

She was gone in another flash of green.

Remus was waiting for him in the parlour, reading a book. The werewolf, smiled as Harry entered and put his book aside. "How was your lesson? I am terribly sorry for Severus. We have extra cake it you want."

Harry smiled at him. Remus was the only adult in his life that he trusted completely. He was the only person who was there just for him. "You don't need to apologise for that git. The lesson was good! I finally got an Occlumency shield!"

Harry did a silly little dance to show his happiness.

"Harry that's amazing!" Said Remus. "Many full grown wizards are not capable of that. I always knew you were a bright one! A _Patronus_ at 13 and Occlumency at 16, you put the rest of us to shame."

Suddenly, that small voice from before was back reminding him that he _should_ have learned this last year…that if he had Sirius would still be alive. His face fell. Remus looked at him in confusion. "I'm sorry Remus."

The werewolf looked even more confused. "Whatever for? This is great news. It makes me sick to think about all the things you've been seeing."

"I'm sorry I didn't learn earlier." Said Harry, he couldn't barely to look up. "I mean I should have learned last year. I guess I thought it was just something I couldn't do…but now I know I can and if I had not been such an immature prat last year…I mean…things could have been different. I'm so sorry. He was your friend and I-I-."

He couldn't finish the sentence and it was hard to breathe. Remus's hands were suddenly on his shoulder.

"Breathe Harry! Breathe! Copy me. In. Out. In. Out. That's it."

Harry gasped for air and tried to follow his mentor's instructions. Eventually big gulps of air made it back into his lungs. Tears leaked down his face and he was shaking. Remus was still holding onto him and was trying to look into his eyes. Harry shook him off.

"Why are you so nice to me?!" Harry yelled. "I don't deserve it after everything I did. And all summer long you've just been so fucking nice!"

Harry was pacing. His adrenaline was pounding in his ears. He was so disappointed in himself. He should not be breaking down like this, but now that he had started he couldn't stop.

"No Harry!" Yelled Remus, and Harry started because he had hardly ever hear Remus raise his voice. "What happened was not your fault. You aren't to blame. You loved Sirius and you wanted to protect him. We all knew that this was a possibility after what happened with Arthur and none of us bothered to warn you. Sirius didn't want you to worry. You had too much on your plate with Umbridge and The Prophet and You-Know-Who! We wanted to protect you. But this is on them! This is on the cold hearted Bastard who exploited your love for his gain. This is on them, not us."

He looked Harry hard in the eye. Harry could not stop shaking his head. "But I- Sirius must have been so mad at me. He would hate me."

"NO. Never. He loved you." Remus seemed to be debating something in his head. "He was mad at himself when he heard where you were. He was worried for _you _and he felt he should have done more to prepare you for this, but he hadn't. Come with me, there is something you need to see."

He grabbed Harry's hand and led him to the stairs. Remus put his finger to his lips to quiet Harry near the portrait of Mrs. Black. He brought him all the way to the top of the house and soon they were standing outside the room that used to belong to Sirius. The master bedroom of the house, Harry had avoided it since he had arrived.

Harry moved to pull his had away, he did not want to go in there. But Remus held him steady. He threw open the door and Harry tried to process what he was seeing. The inside of the bedroom had completely changed from when Harry had seen it at Christmas. The walls had been painted in Gryffindor colors and quidditch posters decorated the room.

"What? Was Sirius re-decorating?" Said Harry confused. Why had Remus felt the need to show him this?

"Yes." The werewolf pulled him into the room. "As you know Sirius didn't like to be bored. So after Christmas he go this idea in his head. He wanted to re-do this room, so that when you came back next summer-well this summer- you would have a proper room to stay in. A room that was yours. He still hadn't quite completed it. He wanted to get you a desk and a stand for Hedwig's cage."

Harry looked around the room speechless. This room had been designed for him-by his godfather. The tears wouldn't stop coming but Harry brushed them away. This was the biggest room in the house, as it used to be the master. It had its own bathroom connected and Harry noticed that Sirius had even re-decorated that to match the bedroom.

Remus smiled sadly. "I should have shown you this when you first arrived, but things were just so raw and you didn't want to talk so I left it. But I think you _need _to see this. Harry, Sirius loved you. He wanted you to live with him. Of course he knew you couldn't full time, but he wanted you to know you had a place in his house. This is your room."

He had a room. His own room. One that he did not have to share with 4 other boys. A room that someone who loved him had made for him. Harry collapsed on the bed, all the adrenaline from before leaving him. "I'm sorry I've been so all over the place. I just- I've been-"

Remus placed his hand on Harry's and stopped him mid-sentence. "I know. But I am here, for you, any time you need."

Harry nodded. For the first time he believed him.

**Thanks for reading and please review! :) **


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